Hey Guys, please pitch in your reviews for this supplemental essay. Will return the favour. Thanks :)
Prompt: Tell us about a time you failed. How did you react and what , if anything, did you learn?
I always imagined I could be what I wanted to be. I liked to think of myself as a winner. I won't blame myself - I always won. At everything I did. Until that day - the day of my final football game at the 'DDCSA championship'. I had been sure of myself, of our game, of the team. They were all ready and so was I. The whistle blew. The cheers rose. The players took their positions. I was hooked. The game began.
The honor of my family, team and self is at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will. My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field Every time the ball is snapped; I will be trying to do more than my part
My teammates exchanged glances. They knew I would do it - their star striker. I would do it to win the match - the final goal. I could feel a thousand pair of eyes looking at me. Sweat trickled down my back. Murmurs could be heard. I moved ten steps back. My eyes danced- first on the ball, then on the goalpost and then back on the ball. Thud. Kick. The world collapsed. The sky sniggered. The cheers rose. My imaginings fell - the loudest clatter. The rough earth scrapped at my knees. My head trying to find refuge in my two shaking hands, refused to admit. My senses held me captive. I had missed the goal and there was no turning back.
That goal changed me - not as a person, but as a player. I learnt that I was not a phenomenon - just a 16 year old footballer who still had a lot to learn. And so I learned. I learned the value of practice. I learned the value of trying. I learned how extremely hard but essential it was to not give up. I learnt to value my skill - To value my determination - to make use of it. Most importantly, I learnt that winners were not born. They were made; made through perseverance, through effort and chiefly through not giving up. I had worked hard to get to where I was, but now that I had gotten this far I didn't want to be remembered as just another player. I wanted to go down in the history of football. I wanted to mark an era. I wanted to be a different player and with goal - I did.
When I take that field today, I lay my heart on the line. From the souls of my feet, with every ounce of blood I've got in my body, I lay it on the line until the final whistle blows. And when I do that, I never lose.
Some corrections in red.
"The honor of my family, team, and self is at stake."
"My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field e very time the ball is snapped; I will be trying to do more than my part. "
Additionally, avoid all contractions!
You switch back and forth from the british and american version of learnt and learned. When you say this, " I wanted to go down in the history of football. I wanted to mark an era. I wanted to be a different player and with goal - I did." I almost wish that you were talking in the present tense, so that the readers know how you still have that determination. It makes it seem that you still have the same view of you being a "phenomenon".
But other than that, I like the visual images you give.
What do you think?
