Please give your views on this essay. Also tell me how to make it short. It is terribly exceeding the word limit. Be as harsh as possible.
Prompt- Leadership is a core value of North Carolina University. Please explain your personal view of leadership and how this view has influenced you to make a difference in your home school and community in 500 characters or less.
Leadership is not a quality, but an art.It is the art of influencing others to attain a common goal.An effective leader should be humble and strong at the same time, teach and learn at the same time, give credit and command respect at the same time.
I have been the city student head of Bharat Vikas Parishad, a NGO in India, for the last two years.We have organized camps for blood donation, assistance to the tribals in my state and conducted seminars on social issues. It was a challenge for me to get involved in these activities and simultaneously manage my grades. This experience taught me teamwork, time management and social awareness. It has transformed me from a shy girl to a young woman, who continues to help those around.I have also learnt that being in the position of leadership, one has to please others and stay calm when others are against his or her ideas.
I hope to bring these skills and experiences to the college and get the best out of it. I will also try to ameliorate my skills here.
Hi black and white ,its a nice essay ,I liked your introduction,specially the first words"Leadership is not a quality, but an art"but don't you think it would be more beautiful if you say "To me,leadership is not a quality, but an art" so it would be like its your own unique way in seeing it,and you should leave repeating phrases,so the part of " an effective leader" can be like this (if you like)"An effective leader should be humble and strong,someone who can teach and learn(or someone who can give and take advices),give credit and command respect,a person with these qualities deserved to be a leader"
you can change the last phrase if you like,but its what I could think of right now
and about the second paragraph, its nice too but I think you should make it like it was your idea for doing these things or like you were in a responsible position ,something would show that you were in charge of something,like you had to make decisions for it,and I think you should say that this experience also taught how to make the right decisions in life,(or something like that)
hope I was helpful ,now you if may help me with mine ,please
I like your essay very much, Black and White. It is very well-written and succinct; you are able to adress your topic without becoming redundant or giving into unecessary information. I agree that you might want to address your role in these organizations a bit more, just so that we can get a greater idea of how you exhibited leadership skills.
I like your essay.. Philosophical view in the beginning, personal experience for the main part, and convincing final statement
first line-
at the same time is being redundant
I will also try to ameliorate my skills here.
-i think you shouldn't use ameliorate. the tone of the essay is good and simple and then i read the last line and the amerliorate throws me off.
I really like your essay, just try to correct those few grammatical errors and you'll be fine.... Best of Luck :)
Thanks to everyone who has posted their valuable comments. Below is my second draft. Please critique it. I am exceeding the word limit. Please tell me what should be avoided so as to fit my essay in the prescribed word.
Prompt- Leadership is a core value of North Carolina University. Please explain your personal view of leadership and how this view has influenced you to make a difference in your home school and community in 500 characters or less.
In my view, leadership is not a quality, but an art.It is the art of influencing others to attain a common goal.An effective leader should be humble and strong, teach and learn, give credit and command respec,t at the same time.
I have been the city student head of Bharat Vikas Parishad, a NGO in India, for the last two years.We have organized camps for blood donation, assistance to the tribals in my state and conducted seminars on social issues. We distributed high yield variety seeds to the farmers and taught them rainwater harvesting. I made power point presentations to spread awareness against female foeticide, dowry taking and abuse of women in the seminar on 'women empowerment'. It was a challenge for me to get involved in these activities and simultaneously manage my grades. This experience taught me teamwork, time management and social awareness. It has transformed me from a shy girl to a young woman, who continues to help those around.I have also learnt that being in the position of leadership, one has to take the right decisions, please others and stay calm when others are against his or her ideas.
I hope to bring these skills and experiences to the college and get the best out of it. I will also try to evolve into a person with better skills,here.
