Hello! Please take your time to criticize my work and perfect my essays. :D
Each prompt has a maximum of 2,000 characters.
Leadership Positions and Activities:
This year, I was lucky enough to be voted secretary of sophomores in student council. Responsibilities of my position include assisting in the preparation of sophomore events and activities, recording the attendance of sophomores within student council and delivering information to the sophomore student body.
Another leadership position I hold is being the co-director of the school's daily television announcements that air everyday during breakfast and lunch. Along with another student in the class, my job is to instruct and monitor the rest of the production crew. It is important that we flawlessly complete a broadcast daily so it can be aired on the proceeding day. This has ultimately taught me the advantages of time management and teamwork. Lastly, I am also fortunate to have been a club officer of H.O.S.A for two years. As an officer, I am advised to recruit students that are interested in medical sciences and aid them in preparing for H.O.S.A competitions. Throughout the school year, I also help organize and create awareness of health-related events including the annual blood drive, Relay for Life and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.
Have you engaged in activities that demonstrate your interest in mathematics and/or science?
If so, please describe the activities and the extent and nature of your involvement.:
Last year I attended the first annual Sonia Kovalevsky Mathematics Day. It is a workshop for female high school students hosted by the Mathematics and Computer Science Department at Western Carolina University. The event lasted six hours, from 9:00 in the morning to 3:00 in the afternoon, on a Saturday. Throughout the day, I learned about and considered various careers within mathematics and engaged in a plethora of exciting games. Along with listening to numerous guest speakers from around the country, I got to meet many intelligent, young woman who also have an interest in math and science. At the end of the day, the workshop even gave out books and packets on the use and influence of mathematics. It was a wonderful experience and I am delighted to be attending it again this year.
How will you contribute outside of the classroom to the NCSSM community?
I will contribute to the NCSSM community by giving encouragement and determination to my peers. I strongly believe every one of us is like a tiny lump of coal. Over time, and with enough pressure, even the heaviest lump of coal can become a sparkling diamond. We all have the potential to be great in many aspects and I will do my best to encourage my peers to unleash that potential. I speak from personal experience when I say that everyone could use a little push.
I used to think success could be achieved through naturally talent alone and I ultimately underestimated the meaning of hard work. That is, until I was persuaded into joining my school's track and soccer team. I barely made the cut for soccer and I lacked in many of the basic skills. In track, nearly everyone would finish ahead of me. It felt like I fell short compared to all my other teammates and I seriously thought about quitting both sports. However, no matter how many goals or races I would screw up, my family and friends would tell me to keep pushing. Their amazing support changed my attitude about school, sports and life itself. By the end of the year, I was one of the best forwards on my soccer team and had a 6 minute, 18 second mile record which I never thought I could accomplish. I can still remember feeling dirty, tired and disgusting by the end of each practice but jubilant to know that people believed in me.
I think encouragement and determination can apply to anything. Whether it be tackling academics, athletics, hardships, or daily life, I will strive to cheer on my peers. Life can throw all sorts of helpful tools at us but it is the motivation to take on a challenge that molds a masterpiece.
Thank you very much for your time!
Hi,
For your first prompt, I feel it is better that you use bullets or numbers and have a sub heading for each leadership role and activity, for example;
Leadership Positions and Activities:
1. Secretary of sophomores in student council
This year, I was lucky enough to bevoted for the post of secretary of sophomores in student council. Responsibilities of my position include assisting in the preparation of sophomore events and activities, recording the attendance of sophomores within student council and delivering information to the sophomore student body.
2. Co-director of the school's daily television announcements
Another leadership position I holdis beingact as the co-director of the school's daily television announcements that air everyday during breakfast and lunch. Along with another student in the class, my job is to instruct and monitor the rest of the production crew. It is important that we flawlessly complete a broadcast daily so it can be aired on the proceeding day. This has ultimately taught me the advantages ofBy enagaging in this activity I learnt the value of time management and teamwork.
3. Club officer of H.O.S.A.
Lastly Finally, I am also fortunate to have been a club officer of H.O.S.A for two years. As an officer, I amadvised to recruited students thatwhoarewere interested in medical sciences and aided them in preparing for H.O.S.A competitions. Throughout the school year, I alsoFurther, I helped organize and create awareness of health-related events including the annual blood drive, Relay for Life and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.
Dumi gave some great advice to improve brevity. With greater brevity/efficiency, you can include more sentences that impress the reader. However, I have to say I like the writing style you used -- I think it is looking pretty good even if you do not make the recommended changes.
I'll give you a few ideas, but your writing is already very good -- and so are these accomplishments you listed.
This is a place for a semi-colon or colon. Either would work:
I strongly believe every one of us is like a tiny lump of coal; over time, and with enough pressure, even the heaviest lump of coal can become a sparkling diamond.
I don't think the word delighted is a very strong word... you could use a word that carried more specific meaning... or a phrase that expresses enthusiasm or methodical thinking... like... "It was a wonderful (give a word that tells what was wonderful about it instead of just saying wonderful... was it "empowering"?? ....experience and I am delighted (instead of this weak word, give a phrase like, "...and I plan to assist in the organization of the event when I attend it again this year."
"Strive to" weakens the sentence:
Whether it be tackling academics, athletics, hardships, or daily life, I will strive to cheer on my peers.
Use a commafor the compound sentence:
Life can throw all sorts of helpful tools at us, but it is the motivation to take on a challenge that molds a masterpiece.
:-)
you are a great writer!
