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Leadership, knowledge, creativity - Brandeis University Supplement

HI! This is my Brandeis Supplement. Please be as critical as possible! :)
the limit is 250 words and this is exactly 250 words.
Prompt: why i want to attend brandeis

If I were to be in a room with a potpourri of alluring ice cream flavors, my curiosity would impel me to try all of them. The right place for me to find such diverse options for me to seize is Brandeis. Utilizing its phenomenal range of opportunities, I aspire to pursue the field of dentistry and education. The Brandeis University Pre-Dental Society will be the central input into my future, shaping me as a global benefactor. I want to inculcate in the younger generation the values Brandeis students are brought up with through the education program. Along with its endless opportunities, Brandeis provides outstanding music programs as well. What raised my confidence, lifestyle, and my personality throughout high school was singing. Brandeis is perfect for me to pursue this passion; I hope to join vocal groups, such as Rather Be Giraffes, Starving Artists, or Voices of Soul. I want to contribute to the Brandeis community and share my enthusiasm. Brandeis' standards have propelled me to dream bigger and strive for my goals. The offering of research opportunities and its prestigious reputation as one of the best colleges in America all combine to make Brandeis the right match for me. No other place could ensure me with a more personalized education from highly-dedicated professors, with a 9:1 student-to-faculty ratio. It is leadership that I strive for, knowledge I hunger for, creativity I yearn for. Like a tarot card, Brandeis will reveal the answers to the questions imprinted into my curiosity.

Dec 29, 2009   #2

Flow of the essay is smooth and it sounds good!
But what is the prompt of this essay?
knowledge I hunger for

"crave for" is the right phrase.

Its good indeed!

If you are willing to check my Brandeis supplement, I will post it here itself.
This is mine:

Biology intrigued me since my early days. My interest intensified into my passion when cancer struck my family like a bolt of lightening. My grandpa, my aunt and her daughter( my first cousin) all died from different froms of cancer within last three years. When I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from intestinal cancer, her daughter died from stomach cancer. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of ovarian cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying his full strength.

As a biology student, I apply to Brandeis University beacuse of the excellent reseach opportunites out there which will help me better appreciate the beauty I see in the study of biology. Through the help of excellent faculty and independent reseach projects like BIOL 93 and BIOL 99 at Brandeis, I wish to learn in depth about Molecular and Cell biology. I aim to possess the core understanding of the basic form of life: cell. And through its understanding, I wish to work in the field of cancer research. I believe that Brandeis will challenge me intellectually in ways other colleges can not. Besides, I will not have to worry about my life at a place where people like me gather from different corners of the world with mind full of curiosity and heart full of passion.
Dec 30, 2009   #8
This is very well-written paragraph. You took those 250 words and got the most out of them!!! It reflects your diverse interests, and your desire to pursue your dreams.

Well done!
EF_KevinThreads: 8
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[Contributor] 129  
Jan 6, 2010   #10
A paragraph is often about 100 words. I think you can make this better by writing three paragraphs with your 250 words.
This starts a new topic, so let this material be paragraph 2:
Along with its endless opportunities, Brandeis provides...

Perhaps your last paragraph can be about 50 words. It is better, clearer composition if you write 2 paragraphs and then a short conclusion paragraph... rather than one long paragraph.

"Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying his full strength."

this should be :
Instead, it challenges me like an old enemy proudly displaying its full strength.

also try rephrasing full strength--it somehow doesnt sound appropriate--good try

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