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Leadership & Service; UIUC EC Prompt - Student Council/Extracurricular activity


flipflap88 3 / 7  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
This is kind of rough, I know, so feedback would be extremely appreciated. After writing four essays for University of Michigan, I'm EXHAUSTED.

Thanks in advance!

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

During my freshman year, I knew very little of leadership or service. I was reluctant to join any clubs, nor was I interested in participating in school events. The move from middle school to high school was rough and I struggled to find my niche-the very thought of extracurricular activities was intimidating, to say the least. In an attempt to distract myself from my social shortcomings, I focused my attention on my academics instead. Fortunately, I gradually became more accustomed to my new environment, and by my sophomore year I started to look into being more involved in school. In my quest to find a club that catered to my interests, I stumbled upon Student Council.

Student Council allowed me the opportunity to meet people and make new friends, as well as develop a greater appreciation for the "high school experience". It has also taught me valuable skills that have been beneficial in my growth as a person. Through my involvement in organizing school events such as Spirit Week, Homecoming, and canned food drives, I have learned to become a more efficient team member. Furthermore, my success in these endeavors has bolstered my confidence and encouraged me to take on leadership roles. Since joining the club, I have chaired committees such as the fundraiser committee and the bulletin board committee. During my senior year, I ran for office and consequently was elected treasurer. From these experiences, I have come to find that I truly enjoy taking on responsibilities. Granted, it could be stressful, but more often times than not, it is rewarding, especially when the event is a success.
hope123 2 / 15  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
Overall you did a good job of answering the prompt, that is, why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it. However, as I'm reading this, there are some areas where it doesn't flow to well, and you're only inserting sentences to list stuff.

For example: "Through my involvement in many school events such as Spirit Week, Homecoming, and canned food drives, I also learned to become a more efficient team member."

I'm assuming there is a period separating the two sentences. But anyhow, the "I also learned" part should be edited because it doesn't flow to feel and kinda disrupts the overall writing here. Get what I'm saying?

Perhaps you would like to take a look at my essay (I'm kinda desperate haha)?
bmachado 5 / 23  
Oct 30, 2009   #3
"The move from middle school to high school was rough and I struggled to find my niche-back then"

I don't think you need to include the "back then" part since you already implied that it was at the beginning of high school.

"I also learned" i would change "also" to "have"

"Furthermore, my success in these endeavors has bolstered my confidence..."

Also, it is not as important to list your positions held as it is to say what you actually did in those positions. There seems to be some odd placement of commas, but I do not consider myself a comma expert so I would ask an English teacher to help you with that.

It seems like you have a good start so just make a few changes and you should be fine.


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