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"the League of Nations after World War 1" -Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay


thegerman 4 / 15  
Aug 26, 2009   #1
Last Stanford essay!!
it only has 12 characters left so i cant add much
i think this is what it should be about, let me know what you think!
thanks in advance =]

oh and PS i dont have spell check on my computer so correct my misspelling please!

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

The quote "With great power comes great responsibility" by Stan Lee rang through my head as my AP US History teacher called me and 4 other students to be that weeks moderator for our socratic seminar. Being the moderator is usually the dread of students as you almost have to write shorthand to get everything you need to write down written. This week on the otherhand was different, instead of being responsible for the summary of the seminar I became responsible for a entire nation and with that, the fate of the world in my hands and a experience that was one of the most intellectually engaging moments of my life.

As the moderator I became a member of the League of Nations after World War 1 and helped determine what was to happen to Europe. The class was divided into 4 different sides, the Realist, the Wilson Idealists, the Isolationists, and the European Imperialists each trying to convince the 5 League of nations members to follow there own political philosophy, and if they did, there reward would be a free homework pass. Biasness, lies, contempt, and rivalries emerged from each nation, each being selfish and wanted only what was better for themselves rather than the world. As the seminar unraveled in that short hour, I learned more about how leaders have to unravel peoples own personal agendas and make critical decisions off that information than any textbook or TV show could ever show. The inner mechanisms of politics and my ignorance to how the world works revealed themselves, making me realize the amount of work leaders put in to deal with domestic as well as international problems. Certainly this seminar was supposed to teach me something about the League of nations or something like that, but in fact turned out to be a much more rewarding experience.

Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 26, 2009   #2
The quote "With great power comes great responsibility" by Stan Lee rang through my head as my AP US History teacher called me and 4 other students to be that weeks moderators for our socratic seminar.

^Spell out the number four.

Being the moderator is usually the dread of students as you almost have to write shorthand to get everything you need to write down written.

Many students dread becoming moderators due to the amount of notes that have to be taken.

Your first paragraph is a little...weird. I am not a big fan of the quote since it has become overused. It isn't really explained in your essay either.

I became responsible for a entire nation and with that, the fate of the world in my hands and a experience that was one of the most intellectually engaging moments of my life.

I feel that your hyperbole does nothing to spice up your introduction. After reading the rest of your essay I see what you are trying to do with this. It is interesting.

The class was divided into 4 different sides, the Realist, the Wilson Idealists, the Isolationists, and the European Imperialists each trying to convince the 5 League of nN ations members to follow theretheir own political philosophy, and if they did, theretheir reward would be a free homework pass.

Certainly this seminar was supposed to teach me something about the League of nations or something like that, but in fact turned out to be a much more rewarding experience.

This sentence is too casual. You leave me confused as to how it turned out to be more rewarding than intended. Is it because you found out that leaders use their power for selfish reasons? Is it because you found out that leaders work hard on domestic and international problems?

As the seminar unraveled in that short hour, I learned more about how leaders have to unravel peoples own personal agendas and make critical decisions off that information than any textbook or TV show could ever show.

You use "unravel" twice. This sentence confuses me.
OP thegerman 4 / 15  
Aug 26, 2009   #3
acht! well ill rewrite real quick i guess, thanks for the critique!
any suggestions for a intro paragraph?
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 26, 2009   #4
I think that stating the difficulty of becoming a moderator is unimportant because your point is not that you persevered but that you learned a lot from the experience.
OP thegerman 4 / 15  
Aug 26, 2009   #5
becoming a moderator isnt important lol
i just wanted to start with a quote
and then i was going to connect it somehow to the seminar
i was more trying to get the point that this time was different then the other times, this time i REALLY learned something... if that makes sense lol
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 26, 2009   #6
i was more trying to get the point that this time was different then the other times, this time i REALLY learned something... if that makes sense lol

Say this then.

Wait for others to respond before going on with your rewrite.
OP thegerman 4 / 15  
Aug 26, 2009   #7
get people to look at it please lol
i need a better rewrite by tomorrow at 12 =P


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