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How did you learn about NJIT and why are you aplaying? Engineering.


wilfredo420 1 / 4  
May 23, 2011   #1
i need help with my essay please
Notoman 20 / 419  
May 23, 2011   #2
Ummm ... what essay? People here won't write an essay for you, but they will give you feedback on an essay you have written.
OP wilfredo420 1 / 4  
May 24, 2011   #3
this is my essay...the question is.
How did you learn about NJIT and why are you aplaying?
if i can get a feed back i would really appreciate it.

The present world in which we live in has significant ways of sharing and communicating information. Technology has a huge impact on the way people communicate on these days. However, people's voice spreads around the globe quite quick and effective which allows us to be informed of everything that surrounds us. The power of people's voice has a big impact when it comes to take decisions such as buying a car, location of house and especially choosing the right school to attend in order to pursue our dreams.

During my years at County College of Morris, I met academic advisors, professors, and classmates and NJIT students who share with me the strong academic level of engineering programs offered by NJIT. These people gave...

SEE BELOW
Notoman 20 / 419  
May 24, 2011   #4
Here's the first paragraph to get you started.

The present world in which we live in has significant ways of sharing and communicating information.

The way this is written, it sounds like the world is communicating.

Technology has a huge impact on the way people communicate on these days.

Put this into active voice. Let me give you an example: Technology impacts the way people communicate in myriad ways.

However, people's voice spreads around the globe quite quick and effective which allows us to be informed of everything that surrounds us.

However, people's voices spread around the globe quickly and effectively, allowing us to be informed of everything that surrounds us.

The power of people's voice has a big impact when it comes to take decisions such as buying a car, location of house and especially choosing the right school to attend in order to pursue our dreams.

The power of people's voices has a big impact when it comes to making decisions such as buying a car, choosing a neighborhood, and finding the right school to attend in order to pursue one's dreams.
OP wilfredo420 1 / 4  
May 25, 2011   #5
thank you very much. i apreciate your help. how is the rest of the essay?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 25, 2011   #6
I think you need one more sentence at the end of that first paragraph to tell the reader exactly what you want to do... your MAIN IDEA (at the end of the intro paragraph)

Also...
During my years at County College of Morris, I met academic advisors, professors, and classmates and NJIT students who share with me the strong academic level of engineering programs offered by NJIT. These people gave me a clear look and understanding of the school, campus, security, safety, professors and academics. (Add a sentence right here to share your special interest, your unique interest to which this school appeals). Furthermore, they told...

My ambition to become a professional Mechanical Engineer in order to succeed and accomplish my dreams leads me to apply to NJIT. M began with a childhood curiosity and love for the machinery's structural elements. Machinery's design, mechanism, and components structural analysis have taken me to an unending dream to pursue a Mechanical Engineer careerbe more specific about your career. Say something specific here . Mechanical Engineering goes above and beyond Physics, Mechanics and Math it also requires motivation, art and whole lot of ingenuity. My commitment to innovate the world with ...

:-)
dhammika1973 8 / 18  
May 25, 2011   #7
You can add some your experiences about engineering aspects, mainly in Mechanical Engineering, because you would be like to become Mechanical Engineer. Furthermore, it had been studied theoretical knowledge about Machinery's design, mechanism, etc.,

Good luck,
OP wilfredo420 1 / 4  
May 31, 2011   #8
hello everyone, i added some some sentences to the essay in the paragraphed highlated in red. can someone give me a final point of view of the essay please. please corrrect my grammar where needed english is my second languaje.

Technology impacts the way people communicate in myriad ways. However, people's voices spread around the globe quickly and effectively, allowing us to be informed of everything that surrounds us. The power of people's voices has a big impact when it comes to making decisions such as buying a car, choosing a neighborhood, and finding the right school to attend in order to pursue one's dreams.

During my years at County College of Morris, I met academic advisors, professors, classmates and NJIT students who share with me the strong academic level of engineering programs offered by NJIT. These people gave me a clear look and understanding of the school, campus, security, safety, professors and academics. Furthermore, they told me about the diverse community of students from different part of the world which makes NJIT enthusiastic and encouraging school. The great value and significant information gathered from these individuals gave me the insight into applying to NJIT.

My childhood curiosity, passion and love for machinery, structural elements and its design, mechanism, and structural analysis have taken me to an unending dream to pursue a Mechanical Engineer career. Since I was a little boy I love taking apart and putting back together toy airplanes, remote control cars, robots and may other apparatus to learn about its mechanism and electric system. Furthermore, I used to build miniature bridges using sand, rocks and logs at the river's shore near my city. Building small houses using logs, cardboard, rocks and plastic bottles was another of childhood hobbies. However, playing to build bridges and houses or taking apart remote control cars and airplanes was not just a way to spend my free time, it was a way to develop my skills and enlarge my knowledge.

Mechanical Engineering goes above and beyond Physics, Mechanics and Math it also requires motivation, art and whole lot of ingenuity. My commitment to innovate the world with my Mechanical Engineering knowledge which I will acquire while attending NJIT will allow me to develop skills such as determination, dedication and leadership. However, I depend on a notable school such as NJIT to polish and shine my skills. I consider NJIT as the main source to take my dream to the next level. Having the privilege of NJIT's admission acceptance will not only allow me to become a professional, succeed in life but it also will shape, color and bright my dream. My ambition to become a professional Mechanical Engineer in order to succeed and accomplish my dream leads me to apply to NJIT.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 2, 2011   #9
Here is what comes to mind for me:

My childhood curiosity, passion and love for machinery and design have taken me to an unending dream to pursue a Mechanical Engineer career.---I simplified. That complex approach you took was a little confusing... it is better to write simply and powerfully.

Since I was a little boy I loved...

Building small houses using logs, cardboard, rocks and plastic bottles was another of my childhood...

hobbies. However, playing to build with bridges and houses or taking apart remote control cars and airplanes was not just a way to spend my free time, it was a way to develop my skills and enlarge enhance my knowledge.

:-)
OP wilfredo420 1 / 4  
Jun 2, 2011   #10
thank you everyone for all your help


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