I'm applying to the University of Colorado. I've been out of practice for a while and would like some feedback on my admissions essay. This is the prompt we were given:
The University of Colorado at Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live.
Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?
I remember sitting in my Freshman French class trying to decipher the quote of the week. Once I had successfully translated the quote, it really stuck with me. My professor had chosen a line from Albert Einstein "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." This sentence especially resonates with me now as I believe myself to have learned from poor choices that were made in my youth: not attending college right away and withdrawing from classes I thought didn't suit, I try to live each day in the moment: Revel in the small things that can bring happiness and if the day isn't going as planned, there is always the hope of tomorrow. Tomorrow can hold things only thought of in imagination. My hope for the future is to be the first of my family to graduate from university. I hope to be in the field that I love, Advertising, doing what I have loved ever since I was young: creating ad campaigns for companies that stay with you; jingles and phrases that jog your memory for a certain product. To create unique ideas, to do so with passion and poise is both what I plan to bring to the University of Colorado's campus and what I hope to continue doing with my completed degree.
You do a good stating your intention to overcome difficulties by hoping for a better tomorrow, but perhaps you should elaborate on this a bit more. Maybe you could provide a detailed example to show a time in which you have done this.
Also, you should elaborate more on what makes you unique and what you qualities you will bring to the campus. Since you plan to go into advertising, give them an example of your creativity by bringing up a time in which you were able to use your own original ideas for a similar type of purpose.
A little revision:
My journey begins with a chosen quote from Albert Einstein "Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow." When I first began taking college classes I remember sitting in class dreaming of what I was going to be when I finally 'grew up'. I would picture myself in an ornate room with a patient on a chaise with myself sitting adjacent in a velvet armchair, pen in hand ready to diagnose. I would picture myself in a paint-splattered menswear shirt with an empty canvas and tubes full of color waiting to be stroked into a masterpiece. With these daydreams also came the trickle of water that eventually worked it's way up to my ears. I was drowning. After a few semesters I learned what worked best to keep myself afloat. Now I'm standing on my own two feet, afloat in my own rite. I now have new dreams, dreams of collaborating with colleagues in board rooms with white boards on easels, a projections screen and a pointer going into detail about our next campaign. I'm an Art Director at a great advertising firm. Creating some of the most well loved and some of the most memorable campaigns of my generation. Of course these are merely my hopes for tomorrow. I finally have my sights set on the shore. With my back to the horizon I can finally dive in to my future.To create unique ideas, to give that 'umph' to an idea, to do so with passion and poise is what I plan to bring to the University of Colorado's campus.
In terms of what I plan to bring to the Boulder area, I would like to talk about the local economy. I think that it is very important to begin the transition into using locally grown foods and goods rather than having them shipped in from a third (or fourth, or fifth) party. I would like to see Boulder become a locally operated city and to use it's own resources. Using my knowledge I will undoubtedly learn from my advertising courses, I would like to see more farmer's markets better advertised so that they can expand and grow along with the community.
