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"I learned to face the challenge" - Transfer common app. essay


sjs_gem 1 / 2  
Apr 29, 2010   #1
Can you please give me a feed back on my essay??
Thank you so so much !!! (:


The promt is : What are your reasons for transferring and what are you trying to achieve?

Through many accomplishments and disappointments in life, I learned to face the challenge.
My parents were inspired individuals who were fearless in pursuing their American dream for the benefit of our family. Early on, I learned to build my own character by experiencing new cultures and places, as I spent most of my childhood between Guatemala, America, and Korea. I learned about hardships through my experiences in school and with family while gaining motivation to set my future goals.

In Korea, I was raised in the environment where education always came first. I was mostly raised by my Korean grandmother while my parents went abroad to South America for business. Several months after I entered kindergarten, my parents took me with them and introduced me to two different worlds: Guatemala and America. Though challenging at first, it was an opportunity for me to expand my horizons by learning about these different languages and cultures.

However, all was not rosy. I got a third degree burn when I was five years old by knocking over a boiling pot. I burned my whole left arm and also my neck. My arm created a pouch because I had bent my arm right after the burn and it stuck together. Due to financial issues, my first surgery was two years later. At that time the doctor said that too much time had elapsed since the accident and he could not just scrape the old skin off the pouch to stimulate new growth. So he had to take skin grafts from my leg and stitched on to the arm after scraping off the pouch. During my stay at the hospital, I began to develop the dream of becoming a doctor.

The doctor who was in charge of me became my role model. I respected him for sacrificing himself for his profession and for service to his patient. I realized then that there are many people who are in need of medical attention, and that I too wanted to be that person who could provide medical services to people in need to alleviate their suffering. To further that dream I wanted to learn about the functioning of living organisms, so I decided to take the pre-med curriculum and major in biology. I have volunteered in many medical centers and hospitals since the beginning of freshmen year of high school. In addition, I currently volunteer at the UCSD hospital in the radiology department and it is great experience for me to develop relationships with the patients and observe the radiologist. I love volunteering and helping people and I want to have more opportunity to go abroad and help out in the third world countries.

School was my first priority until tenth grade and struggles with my AP classes as well. At that time, my mother was diagnosed with esophageal reflux which caused her o suffer serious sleep deprivation and stomach problems. I started to take over and believed that it was my responsibility to take care of the house and my mother while my father worked. Although I found myself in a big slump, I was able to stay in school and not give up due to my strong desire to go to medical school.

I am coming from a community college in California and I want to branch out and experience new things and challenges. I met some great professors at San Diego Mesa College; however I want to be in a studious environment and just focus on my studious to get prepared for the MCATs and go to medical school. I want to be involved in a bigger society and have more volunteering experiences and engage in school activities. Moreover, I am the only child and live under strict Korean parents and it is difficult for me to be involved activities to further my goals; therefore, I believe that it is important for me to learn how to be dependent away from my parents and be in a studious environment to fulfill better academic performance.

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ManDan88 2 / 8  
Apr 29, 2010   #2
IRT: sjs_gem

I, too, am a student at a community college. I fully understand your need to express to the board of admissions your urge to enter in a medical program of study. I also took some time to look over your essay for basic errors and the such. Again, I am only a community college student, but here is what I noticed:

Through many accomplishments and disappointments in life, I learned to face the challenge.

My parents were inspired individuals who were fearless in pursuing their American dream for the benefit of our family. Early on, I learned to build my own character by experiencing new cultures and places, as I spent most of my childhood between Guatemala, America, and Korea. I learned about hardships through my experiences in school and with family while gaining motivation to set my future goals.

In Korea, I was raised in the environment where education always came first. I was mostly raised by my Korean grandmother while my parents went abroad to South America for business. Several months after I entered kindergarten, my parents took me with them and introduced me to two different worlds: Guatemala and America. Though challenging at first, it was an opportunity for me to expand my horizons by learning about these different languages and cultures.

However, all was not rosy . I got a third degree burn when I was five years old by knocking over a boiling pot. I burned my whole left arm and also my neck. My arm created a pouch because I had bent my arm right after the burn and it stuck together . Due to financial issues, my first surgery was two years later. At that time the doctor said that too much time had elapsed since the accident and he could not just scrape the old skin off the pouch to stimulate new growth. So he had to take skin grafts from my leg and stitched on to the arm after scraping off the pouch. During my stay at the hospital, I began to develop the dream of becoming a doctor.

The doctor who was in charge of me became my role model. I respected him for sacrificing himself for his profession and for service to his patient. I realized then that there are many people who are in need of medical attention, and that I too wanted to be that person who could provide medical services to people in need to alleviate their suffering. To further that dream I wanted to learn about the functioning of living organisms, so I decided to take the pre-med curriculum and major in biology. I have volunteered in many medical centers and hospitals since the beginning of freshmen year of high school. In addition, I currently volunteer at the UCSD hospital in the radiology department and it is great experience for me to develop relationships with the patients and observe the radiologist. I love volunteering and helping people and I want to have more opportunity to go abroad and help out in the third world countries.

School was my first priority until tenth grade and struggles with my AP classes as well. At that time, my mother was diagnosed with esophageal reflux which caused her o suffer serious sleep deprivation and stomach problems. I started to take over and believed that it was my responsibility to take care of the house and my mother while my father worked. Although I found myself in a big slump , I was able to stay in school and not give up due to my strong desire to go to medical school.

I am coming from a community college in California and I want to branch out and experience new things and challenges . I met some great professors at San Diego Mesa College; however I want to be in a studious environment and just focus on my studious to get prepared for the MCATs and go to medical school. I want to be involved in a bigger society and have more volunteering experiences and engage in school activities. Moreover, I am the only child and live under strict Korean parents and it is difficult for me to be involved activities to further my goals; therefore, I believe that it is important for me to learn how to be dependent away from my parents and be in a studious environment to fulfill better academic performance.

The parts that are highlighted in red are highlighted because they appear to be tense errors, poor word choice, or bad sentence structure. I firmly believe you have a strong introduction, but that is not fully followed through on through the essay. Again, I am not a professor with a Ph.D in English grammar, but I think I may have flagged some of the common errors.
OP sjs_gem 1 / 2  
Apr 30, 2010   #3
Thank you so much for revising my essay! I really appreciate it!! Thank you again, Daniel (:
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 30, 2010   #4
Through many accomplishments and disappointments, in life I learned to face challenges with discipline and resolve.
My parents were inspired individuals who were fearless in pursuing their American dream for the benefit of our family. --- awesome!!

There is something really nice about this. It is honest and straightforward. However it is missing a clear, main idea. I think you should cut that first paragraph in half and make it into two paragraphs. Then, go to the end of the first paragraph and add a thesis sentence that tells the main theme for the whole essay. If you are clever, you can write a thesis sentence that is supported (i.e. substantiated) by all the subjects covered in the essay. Make the thesis interesting, and make it reflect your specific plan for med school, etc.

:-)
ManDan88 2 / 8  
May 1, 2010   #5
No need for thanks [although I do adore gratitude!

We are both members of this site for a common purpose - to enhance out writing abilities and potential!

If you ever need more help please fell free to contact me directly!
Vakax 2 / 50  
May 2, 2010   #6
Through accomplishments and failures; I learned to dare life (keep it crisp!Makes more of an impact.Also, Pairing two opposites conveys a stronger emotion)

Even though its well-written,its lacking that "kick" that one would expect while eating a pickle.Building on what Kevin said, you should connect each paragraph to a single well-written intro.

Work on it a little more.This is a very honest essay.You should be proud of yourself for this and for your accomplishments.

Best of luck.
OP sjs_gem 1 / 2  
May 2, 2010   #7
Thank you, Kevin for your comment!
I'm still thinking of a thesis statement to add after the end of the first paragraph...
should i say something like... " My experiences and family as well as involvements in different cultures motivated me to have a strong desire to go to medical school. "

But, I think this sounds to stiff and boring.. how could I make my essay powerful?
Should i delete the part that says " However, all was not rosy." ?

& Thank you Vadax!
I agree with you that my essay is lacking "kick" I'm still working on it and I really want to make my essay stand out and intersting..hmm

Thank you for helping me out!! (:
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 3, 2010   #8
My experiences and family as well as involvements in different cultures motivated me to have a strong desire to go to medical school. " But, I think this sounds to stiff and boring.. how could I make my essay powerful?

Well, yes, this would sound stiff and boring because it is so plain and obvious and.. like.. general. The thing to do is show the uniqueness of the situation. What is it that drives you? What is it that you realized during struggles of recent years? When you think of the THEME that will make this powerful, you will know you have found it.

The powerful theme has an astute observation, or it has some conflict of complexity that makes it fascinating to the reader. I bet you are complex and fascinating; dig deeper, and share a little glimpse of what it is that drives you into the field of medicine.

(Also, I agree: take out the "rosy" part) :-)


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