So, I started my application a week before it was due and I wrote this up yesterday. Any thoughts?
He is in a new world. A new world with a new language, new people, new customs. He is a boy of six, too young to realize what profound effect this new chapter in his life will have on his future self. He is I, or rather, was.
At the tender age of six, I left the United States behind for two years to live with family in Italy (My father met my mother while he was stationed on a base in Italy). I was thrust into this new life and immediately enrolled in an Italian elementary school; starting out with a feeble grasp of even the Italian alphabet, I went on to become one of the best students in my class. As a stranger, there was no choice but to overcome and adapt. And that I did; I learned the language, befriended the people, embraced the customs. I became, for the first time, Italian.
Being not only multi-cultural, but also multi-racial, I had (and still have, on the occasions I revisit Italy) the tendency to attract odd looks. I have never blamed them for looking, though; I understand. Living in southern Italy, it is rare for one to see another of my skin color. But, whether the cause of the stares was a genuine sense of disdain or merely an innocent curiosity, I still learned how it feels to be different. I know what it means to be the black sheep.
My experience with a complete immersion in a different society has given me an equal regard for everyone leaving aside whatever their particular cultural background may be. Ive accepted that culture is relative; no one is superior to the other. Having been in a situation to be seen as "different", I sympathize with other groups in that same situation. My experience has lead me to strive for an unbiased outlook on all people, befriending, shunning, and criticizing others as objectively as possible. This, I believe, is an important asset in as diverse an environment as a college campus can be. Being accepting of others I see as the first step in being a good citizen of a given campus and the world in general. This openness, compounded with my unbridled desire to learn, insatiable hunger for future success, and general longing to better myself are what I believe make me a perfect fit for the University of Florida.
"new chapter"---get rid of the word new before chapter...it's used too much
"A new world with a new language"- same thing. delete the word new before world.
He is a boy of six, too young----you tell me that you were six in the next paragraph, you don't need to tell me here. just say He is a boy too young....
switch this "starting out with a feeble grasp of even the Italian alphabet, I went on to become one of the best students in my class. As a stranger, there was no choice but to overcome and adapt. And that I did; I learned the language, befriended the people, embraced the customs. I became, for the first time, Italian."
to this "As a stranger, there was no choice but to overcome and adapt, and that I did. Starting out with a feeble grasp of even the Italian alphabet, I went on to become one of the best students in my class. I learned the language, befriended the people, embraced the customs. I became, for the first time, Italian."
Living in southern Italy, it is rare for one to see another of my skin color.---perhaps specify how you look different. I don't unerstand what your race is.
Ive accepted that culture is relative--switch Ive which should be I've to I have
Being accepting of others I see as the first step in being a good citizen of a given campus and the world in general.----I see accepting others at the first step to be a good citizen, whether on a campus, on in the world in general.
your ending sentence is wonderful.
change this
My experience with a complete immersion in a different society has given me an equal regard for everyone leaving aside whatever their particular cultural background may be.
to this
My experience with a complete immersion in a different society has given me an equal regard for everyone, despite their particular cultural background.
very good essay. good luck!
can you look at my homelessness essay
"Homeless for a night" Stanford Essay, an experience intellectually stimulates you
my edited version of it is posted as a comment on it
thanks :)
