I learned to stand up for myself and for others. A meaningful story essay

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful...

Hello! Can you review my essay? Does it fit the prompt mentioned? This is a rough draft.

how to accept differences

"Why did you tell your brother?" she yelled grabbing my hair and pulling it with extreme force. The entire dorm surrounded us. I tried my best to convince her that I didn't tell my brother anything but no one listened. "Then how did he know?" she yelled again. I kept telling her that I didn't tell him anything and I didn't know how did he come to know about this but no one believed me. Everyone looked at me as if I had committed the worst crime possible and was under trial. My "trial" went on for an hour ending with the chopping off of my front hair.

As time went by, the bullying became meaner and traumatizing. They would pull over a thick woolen blanket over me and suffocate me till I literally was out of breath and in tears, only when I started crying they would stop. I was forced to do their chores and sometimes even their homework. Everyone around me witness this but no one dared to stop it.

This bullying slowing started affecting my personality. I started shutting myself out, scared to trust people, scared to speak to people. When people would talk to me, I couldn't make eye contact, my hands were always at the back (as whenever I talked to the people who bullied me, I was made to keep my hands at the back). In class, I was afraid to answer questions as it would result in mean comments. I was scared to tell my parents or teachers, afraid that if I told anyone the consequences would be worse.

This went on for years till I graduated middle school. I didn't want to go to school anymore. I hated myself for being a coward and letting them have their way all the time. There were times when I thought of running away from home so that I didn't have to go to school.

However, it all changed in high school with the start of the Advents. We were a group of friends who had our own past of bullying. By sharing my experience and listening to theirs, I realized that I was not alone. There were many kids like me out there who had been or are going through what I had gone through. The part of my life which I hated the most became the medium through which I could connect with people.

For once in many years I was happy to be in school. I was excited to go to school, to be in class discussions, to participate. It was a wonderful feeling. Slowing my confidence was coming back. I wasn't afraid to stand up against bullying. I wasn't afraid of answering questions or talking to people.

Looking back, though it was the most difficult time of my life I learned a lot of things. I learned to accept differences as I came to know not everyone is the same. The people who bullied were not actually bad people but just people with problems of their own. I learned to stand up for myself and for others.

Jay, for starters, when you open the essay, it is pretty strong, but does not make any sense because we never found out the purpose of the bullying. What was it that you were accused of having told your brother? You need to mention only one traumatic experience in order to deliver the main topic of the essay. There is no need to go into great detail about it. By lessening the details of your bullying, you will be able to focus the essay more on the fact that you are a survivor. Expand the discussion you presented about Advents. How did you come to know about the group? Was this a school support group? How did you first react when you met the members of Advents? How did they help you get over the traumatic experience? Would you say that you are a true survivor? How do you participate in Advents at the moment? Would you say that the group helped you develop as a person? If so, how? Have they helped you to get to know yourself better? What would your message be to your old self at this point? These are questions that can help you to better develop your presentation and close the essay on a stronger note or self importance.

Jay, you had a strong story, however, I feel you did not express it in the most effective manner. Try to use vocabulary which emphasizes and highlights the serious issue of bullying you are discussing. Also, a little more detail on how you overcome your past with the new group of friends and what experiences they had, which motivate all of you to embrace life again would add more weight to your essay.

I'm not an expert though, you asked me to review your essay so this is what I feel :)
Good work though!

All the best