Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

I have learned how to use a power screw earlier than the handling of TV remote control - MIT


collegeplease 3 / 5 1  
Nov 1, 2014   #1
Would anyone be willing to revise my essay? I will gladly return the favor. Thank you!

1. Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words).

Born into a family of engineers, I learned how to use a power screw before the television remote control. Employed at age six by my independent, electrical engineering father, I enlisted my ambidextrous hands to quickly untwist wires and label work phones. My father's workplace seemed an endless playground in which he climbed ceilings to install telephone wires, entered what looked like black holes into the basement, and successfully set up telephones in brand new offices. I desperately desired to go play with him, building functional telephones out of what appeared to be useless trash. At a young age, the ability to work with my hands seemed the greatest, more admirable quality.

Attending a single-sex school only fostered my desire to become an engineer. Emphasizing both the performing arts and the STEM fields, my school entailed more than just skirts, ponytails, and girls aspiring to become professional singers, and I experienced the best of both worlds. What we lacked in gender diversity, we made up in increased opportunities that allowed me to participate in intellectual conversation about the string theory while performing duets with the strings of the violin. The ability to create from the unknown surfaced all around the school, from the students performing an original dance, to the students building a mini roller coaster out of Hot Wheels pieces. Along with my father, the students and faculty nurtured the ambition to direct my imagination towards stepping outside my comfort zone in order to construct, design, and inspire.

vepadilla 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2014   #2
"enlisted" maybe use engaged. enlisted sounds weird.

"My father's workplace seemed an endless playground in which he climbed ceilings to install telephone wires, entered what looked like black holes into the basement " implement "like" between "seemed" and "an". Replace "in which" with "where." Reword "entered what looked like black holes into the basement" to perhaps "entered inside what appeared to be black holes in the basement"

"the ability to work with my hands seemed the greatest, more admirable quality" reword to: "the ability of working with my hands was the greatest and most admirable quality."

"What we lacked in gender diversity, we made up in increased opportunities that allowed me to participate in intellectual conversation about the string theory while performing duets with the strings of the violin."

Edit to: "What we lacked in gender diversity, we made up in increased opportunities; such as one that allowed me to participate in intellectual conversations about string theory and perform the theory with my violin."

All in all its really minor things. It is pretty good as far as I can tell. Just give a read or two and try to maybe polish it up to make it better. Anyway nice job


Home / Undergraduate / I have learned how to use a power screw earlier than the handling of TV remote control - MIT