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learning my ABC's: What you would bring to diversity


DrAculEX 3 / 6  
Dec 8, 2009   #1
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 words)

I was still learning my ABC's when my mother and I got the opportunity to go to New York City to live with my dad. Moving from Bangladesh to the USA was a time of difficulties for me: I not only had to learn a new language, but I had to study with people of different races as well. I was uncomfortable with this at first because the school I used to study in Bangladesh did not have such variation among its students. As time passed by, I eventually got settled in quite comfortably into the mixture of students and teachers in PS 114 Bronx, New York. I became quite popular among my peers and gained their respect as a human being.

I soon found myself on a turntable: my family was shifting back to Bangladesh. I had to adapt to a completely different environment, once again, at the age of 10. But this time, from a majorly developed country to a majorly underdeveloped country. Pollution, overpopulation and poor drainage conditions that lead to floods whenever there is a few hours of torrential downpour are only a few of the drastic changes I had to face.

I enrolled into Oxford International School and in the first few days of class-5, my classmates looked at me with curiosity spelt all over their faces. Some even assumed that I could not speak in Bengali! I replied to each of their question with a smile: the easiest route to friendship. They were very intrigued about the lifestyle I had in USA. I on the other hand, was intrigued by their actions and conversations. I found the differences between the students in USA and those of Bangladesh to be quite significant. My classmates here portrayed themselves differently: most of them were very conservative and timid while only a few were very carefree.

High school in Oxford International School was a different experience as well. I started to have classmates who came from countries such as Africa, India and Indonesia. I even learned to speak some Hindi from a friend. I am not surprised that I was able to interact with a foreign student more comfortably than most of my class mates because as far as I could interpret, Americans are more open to new relationships, but Bangladeshi's like to stay reserved.

It was the transition from one country to another that gave me the chance to develop and appreciate the diversity around me. Diversity allowed me to experience a spectrum of characteristics possessed by different people across the globe and to know about their unique perspectives. I am proud to experience and have seeds of two vastly different cultures planted within me.

[Please let me know of any corrections needed or if I can add something to make the essay better].

Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #2
became quite popular among my peers and gained their respect as a human being, even though I was from Asian ethnicity

^You make it sound as if people of Asian ethnicities typically do not get along with peers, or get respect as human beings just because of their ethnic origin.

I think it is fair to say that such dogmatic statements are as socially incorrect as not accepting people of other origins.

This was particularly complicated because I had to adapt to a completely different environment, once again, at the age of 10.

^How is it completely different? You were in that environment before..

My classmates here paid more attention to their education than those of New York. They were more advanced in mathematics, which I had to quickly adapt. They were more devoted to their elders and family members.

^Why are you generalizing all of New York's student population? That is wrong of you to do so
Your second sentence needs to be revised.
What makes you so sure that New Yorkers are not equally devoted to their elders and family members?

It was the transition from one country to another that gave me the chance to develop and appreciate the diversity around me.

^Strange you should say this, seeing as how it seems that you fail to appreciate New York students who supposedly, according to you, do not pay that much attention to their education, are less advanced in Mathematics and fail to respect their elders and family members.

*Your essay is horrible due to your use of unqualified statements. Revise, delete. Whatever, this essay needs to be worked on if you want to stand a chance of admissions. Your condescending tone will fail to do you any favors.
OP DrAculEX 3 / 6  
Dec 8, 2009   #3
I'm terribly sorry.
I actually never meant to portray my essay in that way. Thank you very much for your comments. I actually got carried away while depicting the diversity in each of the countries I have studied in. But I quickly made amendments. Thank you once again.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 9, 2009   #4
Hi Faisal, good advice!

I like the way the human being sentence is changed, but does it belong at the end of that first paragraph? Don't make the essay too full of narrative. End that first paragraph with the moral of the story -- your profound realization about diversity! You should make a very meaningful, memorable statement at that spot in the essay, and then elaborate on that idea in the conclusion.

The essay has great content, great details. As you keep working on it, incorporate some imagery words.

:-)


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