became quite popular among my peers and gained their respect as a human being, even though I was from Asian ethnicity
^You make it sound as if people of Asian ethnicities typically do not get along with peers, or get respect as human beings just because of their ethnic origin.
I think it is fair to say that such dogmatic statements are as socially incorrect as not accepting people of other origins.
This was particularly complicated because I had to adapt to a completely different environment, once again, at the age of 10.
^How is it completely different? You were in that environment before..
My classmates here paid more attention to their education than those of New York. They were more advanced in mathematics, which I had to quickly adapt. They were more devoted to their elders and family members.
^Why are you generalizing all of New York's student population? That is wrong of you to do so
Your second sentence needs to be revised.
What makes you so sure that New Yorkers are not equally devoted to their elders and family members?
It was the transition from one country to another that gave me the chance to develop and appreciate the diversity around me.
^Strange you should say this, seeing as how it seems that you fail to appreciate New York students who supposedly, according to you, do not pay that much attention to their education, are less advanced in Mathematics and fail to respect their elders and family members.
*Your essay is horrible due to your use of unqualified statements. Revise, delete. Whatever, this essay needs to be worked on if you want to stand a chance of admissions. Your condescending tone will fail to do you any favors.