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'Learning in America' - Describe the world you come from (my immigration)


ysysysys 3 / 7 1  
Nov 10, 2012   #1
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The problem is as looked at so many of the essays on this site alone, so many people are immigrants and have wrote the same way. NEED HELP WITH HOW I CAN MAKE IT STAND OUT. and GRAMMAR errors too. thanks

My aspirations were shaped ever since I migrated to America. From a young age, I have been enthusiastic about school and learning. Seeing that I was a diligent and motivated student, with talents in both art and music, my father was inspired to find a way to bring me to America for a brighter future. After three years of hope and anxiety, we were disappointed to hear that my mother's visa was not ready; we did not hear anything for months and decided to take the risk of coming to the U.S. without my mother, before our visas expired. The worst moment of my life was when I left my mother behind the airport security.

After migration, being introduced to a new country and completely different culture emotionally debilitated me. I was forced to put myself in my mother's shoes, do all of the housework, care for my one-year-old brother and, above all, the most inundating challenge, learn English. However, my strong will to learn English actually helped me overcome these weaknesses. It took over a year and countless of sleepless nights, but eventually, it all paid off as I earned the "Certificate of Reclassification," symbolizing my English proficiency. This achievement and having my mother living with us again assured me that I will overcome even more challenging obstacles on the pathway through achieving my dreams.

This migration has instilled hope and motivation in me. Hearing my mother's voice over the phone, strong but with a surge of emotions that falls short of cries, talking with her fourteen-year-old daughter and having her one-year-old son grow up away from her made me realize her sacrifices and perseverance for improving my life. Watching my mother overlooking everything that she had built throughout years and continuing her education in America inspired me to take the same approach and amplified my strength and motivation to be successful in this country. Taking this experience as an opportunity for a better life fortifies me to take one step closer toward my educational goal. As a result, with my parents' support and my own tenacity and optimism, I have decided to compensate my mother's sacrifices by paying back to the community that made my future possible.

Having always dreamt of becoming a dentist, I was very excited to volunteer in a dental office this summer. Preparing the instruments and room for patients, communicating with them, and using the new medical colloquialism that I have learned allows me to visualize my future as a dentist and motivates me to follow my dreams. Being able to put my hands on the instruments while talking with the orthodontist about the patient's diagnosis engaged and inspired me to seriously pursue this career and become a beneficial member of my community.

My immigration and intern experience has made me a more committed, responsible, and resilient individual who is ambitious for greater successes in this country I now call home.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 10, 2012   #2
Well.... your writing is clear and direct. However, it's better if you make it more interesting by arousing the reader's interest if you want it to stand out the applications. So make sure that this essay should command the attention of the admissions committee. Will they read this whole essay with an open mind being convinced that this is the kind of student they want? Will they remember this application later? I guess you need a "hook".

I suggest you to start with the last sentence of this para and build up the story. i.e. the moment you had to leave to a distant unknown land leaving your precious mom at home without knowing whether she would ever make it to join the family again. Make your essay more creative and emotional. :)


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