UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker

Hi, as the deadline is approaching, I still feel unsure about my essay. Feel I did not address the topic effectively, but don't know where to start editing. Help pls!

And I have some problem shortening my language too, anyone who can give me some suggestions on that! I will edit your essays too! Thanks!

PROMPT #1: Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations(Maximum 500 words).

(543 words) I am from in a small conservative community in China where conformity is key to survival. Since little, we were educated with strict rules, obligations, and restrictions. There are right ways, and there are wrong ways. To be a doctor is right, to be a cook is wrong. Short hair for boys is right, short skirt for girls is wrong. Gradually, we were forced to transform our thoughts to fit in the standard answer, while independent thinking becomes a luxury. But is life as straightforward as being black or white? I have doubts.

Growing up during the great Cultural Revolution, my parents know how difficult not to be conformed in China, so they tried their best to encourage me to develop my own way of thinking. When I was young, every night before bedtime, I would curl up by my "aficionado of whodunnits" mom, waiting for her to vividly read me her favorite detective stories about Holmes or Poiret. But she would never uncover the secret before I proposed my own analysis about the case. Since then, a young, curious mind started her first attempt in becoming an independent thinker. For me, reading detective novels is not passively follow the authors' flow of thoughts, but to raise a battle trying to outwit them. Bit by bit, I started to enjoy the excitement not only as a reader, but also as a detective.

The days battling with great authors like Sir Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie intellectually allowed me to grow to be a meticulous thinker, who develop my judgment not upon the authority, ignorance, whim, or prejudice, but upon my own examination and evaluation of argument and evidence. And this habit of forming my own thought has attributed greatly to my academic excellence. In the high school entrance examination, I placed 19th among more than 25,000 in my city and was simultaneously admitted by all of the most selective high schools. Now, the importance of independent thinking became more and more evident not solely in academic study. More profoundly, it enables me to eliminate the noise from public opinions and listen to the voice from my heart, and listen to my dream.

I know my dream is in mathematics. I desire to become an actuary, who can use mathematic tools to explore the world of business. I want to learn how to establish mathematical model to predict the market prospects or how to analyze bank interests and calculate the price for insurance companies. Someday in the future, I hope mathematics could lead me ever further to uncover the secrets of nature, just like those predecessors who calculated out the position of Neptune on draft papers, or those who found Golden Section and Fibonacci Sequence in sunflower and conch.

Dream is always inspiring, and I know there is still a long and painstaking way to go. Most of the students apply for University of California because UC is their dream. But I choose UC because my dream needs her. With a great emphasis on independence and originality, I believe it will be an ideal school to tap my potential, to fulfill my dream, and also to become a truly independent thinker, who never chooses to easily giving up her thought to conform to others.

In my opinion, the overall flow is great, though i would like it better if you provided short examples from your life.
Like, when you were placed 19th among 25,000 people, Im pretty sure that you got some help from the people around you, which would do good if mentioned.

Sir Conan DoyleSir Arthur Conan Doyle
The introduction is spot on, with the rest of the paragraphs fitting in perfectly like a good game of tetris.

PS:- If you want to shorten your essay, consider revising, or even deleting the last paragraph. The prompt focuses on how the world around you has shaped you, and not why you want to join UC. Although it is a good addition, you might want to omit it if you have a word overflow. But this is just my opinion...

Thanks Vid. I am concerned about whether I should talk more about the mathematic and academic instead of the detective book part.

There is another version of my essay, could you give me some comments on this one too? Which one do you like better. And I will definitly consider adding a short example about myself. Thanks guy!

On the way to find the unique self, my parents have a huge impact on me. Growing up during the great Cultural Revolution, they know how difficult it is not to be conformed by the society. As a 12th Grade student myself, I know exactly how it feels like at the institutionalized school. We are turning numb when facing piles of books and sea of worksheets. We have to grudgingly accept the fact that every class break is occupied by different teachers or countless tests. We are forced to endure the great pressure as well as tiredness even if we are actually too tired to move on. We oftentimes stay up late till midnight, only accompanied by endless homework and a slumberous lamp.

Ever since I was young, my parents always encouraged me to develop my own judgment, not blindly accepting what's told by others. When my natural talent in mathematics was noticed by my parents, they began to lead me to explore the joy of independent thinking in the world of science. It is not uncommon to see my dad and I sitting down together, raising battle after battle on the draft paper to see who could solve a problem faster and better. Nibs are flying, papers are flipping and minds are floating. Sometimes, the battle could last until midnight, until finally we find the most succinct solution. To me, answering a mathematic question is not simply to follow the standard method listed in answer keys of any student's handbook, I, like a commander, am eager to find my own way to win the battle.

The days battling with parents intellectually allowed me to grow to be a meticulous thinker; someone who ponders over every detail and clue thoroughly before accepting a common idea. And this attributed greatly to my academic excellence. In the high school entrance examination, I placed 19th among more than 25,000 in my city and was simultaneously admitted by all of the most selective high schools. In high school, the importance of independent thinking became more and more evident. It not only made me excel in most subjects; more profoundly, it enables me to eliminate the noise from public opinions and listen to the voice from my heart, listen to my dream.

I know my dream is in mathematics. I desire to become an actuary, who can use mathematic tools to explore the world of business. I want to learn how to establish mathematical model to predict the market prospects or how to analyze bank interests and calculate the price for insurance companies. Someday in the future, I hope mathematics could lead me ever further to uncover the secrets of nature, just like those predecessors who calculated out the position of Neptune on draft papers, or those who found Golden Section and Fibonacci Sequence in sunflower and conch. I may not achieve the accomplishments such as deducing Pythagorean Theorem or inventing Calculus or solving all the problems in operator theory, but I may apply all I can to the real life and needed realm.

Dream is always inspiring, and I know it is still a long and painstaking way to go. Most of the students apply for University of California because UC is their dream. But I choose UC because my dream needs UC. As a place that has cultivated some of the greatest mathematicians like Shiing-shen Chern and Shing-Tung Yau, I believe it will be an ideal school to tap my potential, and to fulfill my dream. And with a great emphasis on independence and originality, UC will also be the place where my parents' wish would fulfill, that I would grow up to be a truly independent thinker, who never chooses to easily giving up my thought to conform to others.

---------- good opening : )

Here's some help for you to trim your word count;


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I did some changes in the sentences as well as punctuations. This is very good and reveals very much the world you come from. I only wish if I have time to spend with your essay more.

Just tell me your feeling about my comments and whether they are helpful. I would try to help you this some more, if you are interested in having my help :D

Hi, Dumi:
Thank you for your detailed revision! Definitely those notes are helpful!!! If you have time to look through the rest of the essay, that will be a HUGE favor to me.

Sorry I was not able to respond ealier. But your help is very much appreciated!!!

Hi Lilian,

I have found a few mistakes I've done in my previous suggestion to you. I'm sorry about that. Here's the corrected version;

Since my childhood we were under strict rules, obligations, and restrictions. There arewere right ways and there are wrong ways; To be a doctor iswas right , to be a cook iswas wrong; Short hair for boys iswas right, short skirt for girls iswas wrong. Gradually, we were forced to align our thought process inwith a rigid conservative directionthinking , while independent thinking becomesbecame a luxury. But iscould life as straightforward as beingcan life be generalised as black or white? I have hadbegan to have my doubts.

I feel you better keep it in the past tense : )


However, my parents were somewhat unorthodox. They encouraged my own judgment against mere acceptance based on others' views. When they discovered my born talent and passion for mathematics, they did everything to help me progress in this field.

However, I dont understand what your battle game is... Better rephrase those lines for the readers to get a clear idea.

Wow, dumi! I like how you reword my language. It sounds so much better! I was trying to say while making my own prediction and inference when reading a detective book is like a battle with the author who wrote it. I think it's not clear enough. I will try revise it:)

"By making my own inference and prediction, I raised battles after battles with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie, trying to outwit them intellectually." Will this be a bit clearer?

And can anyone give me some comment about which of the two essay is better for this topic?!!!

Just a suggestion. "Trying to outwit them intellectually, I raised battles after battles with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie by making my own inferences and predictions."

The last paragraph should be removed. Add something like why you love maths and how it influence and shape you. Good luck =) Mind helping me with mine?

Thanks i will consider revising the last paragraph. :)

I posted one comment on yours, but I cannot post two comments at the same time. So I put the comment for the second piece here:

weeyizhi
I should say the flow of the second essay kind of confuses me. For a moment, I have to go back and to find out whether your mon has passed away or still alive. Then I figured out the former part is your dream. But it's better if you mentioned it earlier.

And I think you should focus more on how your mom's sickness has changed you. For example, you can put some details about the improvement you have achieved academically, just a suggestion.

Hope you can see it! Good luck!