"Learning from others"-Rutgers admissions essay

Would someone be kind enough to provide some honest criticisms? I'm feeling really uneasy about this essay and would like input from a stranger. Thanks.

Prompt: Rutgers is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership experiences, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.

Nothing makes a college-bound, suburban white girl panic more than this question: how can you make our school more diverse? I considered exploring my ancestry in the hopes that I would discover that I am, in fact, one-tenth Navaho, or that my grandfather's mother's cousin was half Chinese or Black or anything that would in turn make me more culturally interesting. The thought of becoming a Buddhist crossed my mind, but I quickly discarded that idea; and before I could start digging through family documents, my mother confirmed what I already knew was the truth: like much of middle class New Jersey, I am lily white with uncelebrated Italian and Irish heritage.

Despite this, my vision and perspective extend far beyond the finely manicured lawns and three bedroom houses of suburbia. At fifteen, I started working at an eclectic thrift store that features the work of local artists. Through my boss, a zany and emotional artist herself, I have been introduced to a world inhabited by eccentric dreamers of many races, backgrounds and ages who have been kind enough to share pieces of themselves with me. They have given me a platform to share my poetry and stories from their counterculture days. Their art, music and lifestyles have inspired me. But most importantly, they have a taught me the importance of balance, education and keeping an open mind.

On the surface, the life of an artist seems exciting, but I have learned otherwise from my exposure to it. Witnessing the financial struggles and emotional strain that comes with trying to live "intuitively," as my boss would put it, has shown me that no one is too special to get an education and play by the rules. Creativity is important, and it's good to dream, but when those dreams become illusions they wreak havoc and lead to bad decisions. The adversity that the friends I have gained face as a result of their illusions has made me determined to choose the path that is best; not the one that makes me most interesting to others.

That path is higher education, which will help me to pursue my dreams of becoming a journalist. I have a creative mind to offer, but a realist's attitude to keep me down to earth. A wicked sense of humor and an ambition to do well and learn from others make me more diverse than a skin color or a religion ever could. There is no doubt that with these qualities, I can become a part of the multi-faceted experience that Rutgers University has to offer.

It's a good essay but I think you could tell more about your job at the thrift store and how you felt towards it.

Thank you for your advice. Can anyone else provide an opinion or some advice?

do not use contractions



write the numbers over ten in digits.



it would be better to write your capabilities and your interests in a separate paragraph. Use your personal experiences to support what you claim. In addition, I think you should write more about this fact that why you are match for the university that you want to apply to. Highlight those abilities that you think can help you to become a successful person at that university you are applying to.

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad

Thanks so much, you were ver helpful.

Would anyone else like to chime in? I want to know what overall impression the reader gets from this essay. Does it rub you the wrong way? I was trying to convey humor in certain parts but I don't know if it comes through to a stranger. I personally think this is a really bad essay but I'm very critical of myself, so I need some more criticism to feel safe about submitting this.