Will someone please look over my essays to the extremely long Brown supplement for grammatical errors and flow of writing?
Prompt: What is something you created that makes you especially proud and why? (100 words or fewer)
The plethora of dining room acrylics, hallway sketches, and living room scrapbook albums is no different from what you'd expect to find in any
closeted artist's space. But my true masterpiece is showcased on my friend's wrist. Upon first glance, you'll notice the beguiling, and entirely
irresistible, hues of cerulean. A 21-gauge sterling wire holds the string of delicate glass and gemstone beads. Their ends are connected together
by neat links featuring an engraved "M". Wishing to make it the perfect sweet 16 present, I designed a flat cylindrical box into which I placed feather-
soft cushioning. The painstaking jewelry project became my crowning achievement the moment I saw her appreciative smile.
Prompt: (somewhat complicated basically-) Describe a moment when your perspective changed in 300 words or fewer
Leaving the international airport in Beijing, my senses were assaulted by the renderings of a different culture. Street vendors declared the
superiority of their wares. Enticing aromas wafted from storefronts, beckoning pedestrians on the boardwalk to pause and sample a taste. Large
billboards flashed and flickered. One boasted a skin product that could "cleanse your face in 30 days!"; another, the latest computer model from
Shenzhen Electronics. My jaw dropped at the assortment of casual dresses, tailored suits, and bold high-heels, all the hottest fashions - I couldn't wait
to go shopping!
A car honked beside me. "Hop in," said a man, my father's former friend from university, in slightly accented Mandarin. I gathered my belongings
and piled them into the trunk of his shiny minivan while dad greeted him. His friend, Dr. Lei, drove us into oncoming traffic.
"They just built this highway, you know. Practically all of Beijing was revamped for the 2008 Olympics..." With my hands glued to the windowpane,
I marveled at the towering manifestations of technology. I imagine I must have made quite a comical sight for the locals, but I couldn't pull my eyes
away from the buses, taxis, and bikes as they traversed the sprawling city masses. Thirty minutes later I arrived at the hotel, where my trip to China
officially began.
The ninth-grade-me hadn't expected to find such a flawless, modernized country. I barely recalled the China from three years earlier after all. Yet,
as my summer progressed and I embraced the many quirks of a beautiful lifestyle, I discovered a second world hidden beneath the gleaming
skyscrapers. The homeless man on the side of the road and the emaciated child playing in the alley forced upon me a reality in which there were
many less fortunate than I. My perspective had shifted imperceptibly that day, the moment I stepped off the plane. The small-town girl with a
simplistic view of life returned from China with her eyes opened to a larger world.
[not exactly sure if this last one really answers the question, what do you think?]
Thanks in advance!
Great job on both responses! The second one was great in exhibiting your voice.
Here's a few suggestion:
For the 1st one, You go into too much detail about the product itself. They don't want to know about the product; they want to know why you were proud of it. So, explain the last sentence and elaborate. Other than that, it's great.
Love the intro in the 2nd essay; sets a great setting. Again, you answer the question in the last paragraph. I would suggest combining first and second paragraph and making it a little more concise (depending on your word limits) and elaborating on the third paragraph and actually answering the prompt.
What was your perspective beforehand? If you mentioned it, elaborate.
Thanks. Hope it helps.
I would appreciate any help with my UPenn essay.
Good luck!
