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"leaving the gym after a solid workout" - common app short answer critique


eric412 1 / 1  
Oct 18, 2009   #1
I have two which are similar:
Required In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

#1 There is no better feeling than leaving the gym after a solid workout. Growing up, it has always been important for me to stay fit by playing sports. Over the past several months I have been working hard at the gym to build myself stronger both physically and mentally. The physical results of working out requires much dedication, determination, desire, discipline, and of course time to develop. Moreover I noticed where I gained the quickest and most dramatic results, in my mind. The psychological results result in an improved mood, Now, everyday, I walk out of the gym with a smile on my face. I am grateful I got into this activity because it a great way for me to relieve stress and even boost self confidence. With a dedicated mindset and assistance from close friends I will be pushing myself to incorporate working out as a lifetime hobby.

#2 There is no better feeling than leaving the gym after a solid workout. Growing up, it has always been important for me to stay fit by playing sports. Over the past several months I have been working hard at the gym to build myself stronger both physically and mentally. As the visual results of working out take time to develop, it has forced the dedication within me to come out and challenge me. I noticed how such a hobby can have an affect on my mind so quickly. Now, everyday, I walk out of the gym fulfilled and eager to return. I am grateful I got into this activity because it a great way for me to relieve stress and even boost self confidence. With a dedicated mindset and assistance from close friends I will be pushing myself to incorporate working out as a lifetime hobby.

please tear this apart!!!
Thank you in advance!!
anniebiotic 4 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #2
i prefer #1
flows better, sounds better, more interesting to read

one thing:
"Moreover I noticed where I gained the quickest and most dramatic results, in my mind"

^ Moreover I noticed THAT where I gained the most dramatic results WAS in my mind.
OP eric412 1 / 1  
Oct 18, 2009   #3
There is no better feeling than leaving the gym after a solid workout. Growing up, it has always been important for me to stay fit by playing sports. Over the past several months I have been working hard at the gym to build myself stronger both physically and mentally. As the visual results of working out take time to develop, it has forced the dedication within to hold strong and be patient. Moreover I noticed how such a hobby can have an affect on my mind so dramatically. It has boosted my self confidence, relieved stress, and made me into a generally happier person. Now, everyday, I walk out of the gym fulfilled and eager to return. With a dedicated mindset and assistance from close friends I will be pushing myself to incorporate working out as a lifetime hobby.

most up to date version, what do you think about this one?
supadupaman7 1 / 4  
Oct 18, 2009   #4
I think that your updated version more closely resembles your second essay (just on observation). You have struck a good balance between your own characteristics (i.e. dedication) and passions. Maybe you can change the end up a little bit and add how you want to continue growing both physically and mentally. just a suggestion.


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