My Essay:
Leaving the Marine Corps turned out to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew that I did not want to reenlist; the Corps had been good, but it was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. It was the period of inactivity after leaving the Marine Corp which depressed me greatly. I need to be challenged and I need focus in order to thrive and at the time I had none. I realized that in order to derive any further satisfaction from life, I needed some sense of direction. I needed something I could pursue passionately.
Then it occurred to me suddenly, sometime later while reading, I would be an electrical engineer. It seems so obvious in retrospect, but at the time it was one of those Eureka moments. I was reading "Count Zero" by William Gibson, the father of cyberpunk. In it the characters move through a world where technology, especially electronics, are ubiquitous. It was extremely appealing to me; it was a world I wanted to be a part of; to be an agent of change; to bring about something tremendous and new. It was these thoughts which made me realize that electrical engineering was for me; through an applied science I might change how we live, or even what it means to be human.
After learning more about electrical engineering, I realized I already had a conducive background. In the Marine Corp I was trained as a structural mechanic and when I arrived in the fleet I was placed in the hydraulic work center. After some time I would develop a knack for fixing portable hydraulic power supplies, a complex mix of mechanical and electrical components. It was an aging platform to maintain, but this provided me with an abundance of experience. The electrical components ceased to function regularly and the rotting wires which connected everything begged to be replaced. This meant that after repairing the defect that had been reported, I often found more repairs were needed. It might be considered tedious work, but I enjoy problem solving. I was always curious to learn more about my profession, but there was no further education to be had. My classroom would have to be the grease soaked maintenance area and my teacher would have to be experience. This is why I am excited about the opportunity to learn more at a school of engineering, where I can learn from those who know so much more than I do.
When I started school again in 2011 I did so with some small trepidation, because my grades thus far had been below average. I worked hard with the knowledge that I would need to increase my GPA considerably in order to gain admission to any good engineering school. My first semester came and went and I was successful. I really felt like I had begun to build some momentum and with each passing semester this momentum increased. I think my success in school is owed to the degree of focus I possess. I know where I want to go, so the steps to get there have become apparent. My grades are one of best way to communicate my devotion to becoming an electrical engineering, so I cannot accept anything less than an A.
The process of becoming an electrical engineer is long and one of the hardest steps can be getting accepted into a respected school of engineering. Whatever hardships I might face, I am thrilled to have discovered my calling. I know that any obstacle I face will be an opportunity to grow, personally and professionally. This is why I want to attend the University of Texas at Austin; it is an opportunity to grow as part of an excellent engineering school.
i think your essay is extremley effective you did a good job of showing your dedication and incorporationg your time as a part of the marine corps
your ending is a little repetitive though:
The process of becoming an electrical engineer is long and one of the hardest steps can be getting accepted into an engineering school. I am so excited to have discovered my calling, that each obstacle I face is an opportunity to grow, personally and professionally. I am excited at the prospect of attending the University of Texas at Austin for precisely this reason. It is an opportunity to grow, while being a part of an excellent institution of learning.
and maybe you could find a way to combine your last two sentences I think it might make it more effective
You really response to the question well. But I think you can make your essay more intriguing and toughing by adding more detailed information about your examples and stories. And the second paragraph about how you fell in love electrical engineering is a bit weak, I am sure admission officers wanna know more about why you like and choose this major just like I do.
When I started school again in 2011 I did so with some small trepidation, because my grades thus far had been below average.
maybe change it to
I started school in 2011 with a little trepidation because my grades were usually below average
The process of becoming an electrical engineer is long and one of the hardest steps can be getting accepted into an engineering school.
Becoming an engineer is a lengthy process and the most difficult step is earning an acceptance letter from a reputable engineering university.
