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'Leaving Singapore' - URichmond Supplement Essay - Leaving the comfort zone


hbrad8002 9 / 20  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Could you guys take a look at this essay?
If this was good, I perhaps would want to replace my commonapp essay by this essay.
So what do you guys think?

The day I left for Singapore, my mind was an amalgam of excitement and nerve. I queued at the custom counter, trying to balance myself between the two poles of eagerness and fear. I could not wait to see the aircraft, to see Singapore, to see my new life. But at some moment, I turned back and saw my mother from afar using her handkerchief wiping her tears and startled to realize that I was leaving my family for that 'new life'.

Back to the month before I went, I still remember how my parents kept giving me lengthy lessons and advices. My dad kept pouring 'Take care and behave well' into my ears while my mum was trying to teach me how to sew and how to cook. Yet, despite all their efforts, what I showed was an attitude of complete ignorance. I did not expect living on my own to be such a big problem. My conscience was clouded by the illusion of a 'new' life, although I hardly had any idea what 'new' really was. I just vaguely visualized a great life ahead.

However, first days in the foreign land proved that expectation to be wrong: I found it really hard to adapt to that new life, one which was absolutely under my authority. I had been so used to the habit of just throwing my dirty clothes to the corner of the room so that I would get them back the following day, nice and clean, that I started to feel uneasy. I had to get accustomed with cooking noodles because the new food did not suit my taste, I had to iron my uniforms because the hostel's laundry service only accommodated the washing part and I had to change my bed sheet every week otherwise I would be fined. I felt like being tortured.

Such moments aroused in me the feelings of extreme homesickness. I missed my home's dinners, my family's care and even my parents' lengthy lessons and advices! I realized that what my parents had tried to equip me was not unnecessary and regretted not having listened to them. The concept of 'new life' then became clear to me: life out of comfort zone.

Yet, as time passed by, I slowly overcame those discomforts and defeated the dragging force of my dependent nature. After the hard first times, I gradually got used to the duty of taking care of myself. With the help of my hostel mistress, I learned how to make a delicious bowl of noodles. Thanks to my friends, I became more choosy and experienced every time I shopped in the supermarket. But perhaps the most valuable accomplishment I attained was a lesson - things would forever appear difficult one gave them a try ï one which seemed to be an easy lesson to people but really a life experience for me.

Four years have passed since the day I set out for the unexpected independence. Today I am a different person. It is hard to tell how much different I have been over this long period of time but I really have changed, inasmuch as I once surprised my father by nicely tying a tie and even professionally showing him the various methods of tying it. I feel thankful for Singapore, for these past four years, which have given me growth and maturity. Probably I would never be who I am today if I were to stay in my comfort zone.
themaninblack 2 / 5  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
I don't really like the word "amalgam" in your first sentence. The way you are using it is completely fine, but in my experience the word tends to be inserted into essays by going onto an online dictionary and searching for synonyms of the word "mix". At least, that is what happens at my high school. This sort of stuff happens often enough to make admissions officers wary of certain words, "amalgam" included.

And one question: Where were you originally from? As a reader I would be curious to know were you lived before Singapore. But this is just my personality. You don't have to provide this information.

"I had been so used to the habit of just throwing my dirty clothes to the corner of the room so that I would get them back the following day, nice and clean, that I started to feel uneasy." This is grammatically incorrect. I know that you are trying to say that the piling up of dirty clothes disturbed you. You could say it like this:

"I used to just throw my dirty clothes into the corner of the room, expecting them to be nice and clean the following day. But here in Singapore there was nobody dedicated to washing and cleaning my clothes, and as the pile of dirty clothing grew bigger so did my uneasiness."

And one last piece of commentary. You seem to be using the laundry list approach in your essay, a.k.a. putting as many different examples in it as you can. In general, I find it better to focus on one topic instead of trying to focus on many. So just focus on one example of how it was hard to live in a foreign land and how you conquered that hardship.
funoffan - / 4  
Dec 25, 2009   #3
You basically conclude my story of life!
I have the same experiences you mentioned. I haven't seen you common app yet, and I didn't write this kind of story on any of my essay, but I would highly recommend you use this for your common app, as it is more general and can be used for other colleges as well.


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