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"Leaving my small town in Syria to America" - Rutgers "Diverse Community"


rosie5 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2010   #1
Can you please correct my essay ????????? I would appreciate it

The first words that have gone through my mind when I first came to the U.S. were "wow, everything is just different". Leaving my small town in Syria at age 14 was the hardest thing I've ever done. Although I had in my mind that I was going to face the struggles along the way. I wondered if I could adapt to a whole new environment and learn a completely different language, but what I knew for sure was that life is a challenge and I needed to appreciate the opportunities it gives me. The reason to why my parents brought me to America was they believed that I could set my mind to attain a high level of education and succeed. Throughout the five years I have been in school in New Jersey, I've been able to maintain high grades and now, I have to reach that higher level of education I've always dreamed of my whole entire life.

I believe Rutgers University will help me accomplish my dream. Not only it will offer me a high level of education but with its diversity of cultures, people, and experiences it will also expand my slight knowledge about other cultures of the world. My slight knowledge came from a small ESL class. I remember being in a room of ten people that spoke different languages and had diverse cultures. We would share simple stories about our countries and experiences every day. Rutgers will expand my knowledge of diverse cultures on a much greater scale. I will be able to benefit from and contribute to such an environment. My skills and high grades are my best contribution but as I mentioned before, I came to America from the other side of the world. I will be able to share my amazing culture as well as my traditions. It will open peoples' eyes to something unique they never knew about. Because of its diverse community, every individual will have a different experience for people to learn from. All of our unique experiences, will improve our ways of thinking and understanding.

The University of Rutgers will also help me in my studies. I am and have always been fascinated with computers ever since I was young. My major is a computer engineer. With the help of Rutgers, I feel I can achieve my long lasting dream. The path I'm taking may be hard but with life experiences and the help I know I can accomplish my dream no matter how long it takes.
ylee11 7 / 11  
Nov 30, 2010   #2
overall, i think your essay is in between good and okay
it flows well and i can understand how you have developed what you try to write in the essay, but i can't stop thinking the essay overall is quite banal.

why don't you write about a specific event that would intrigue the reader?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 16, 2010   #3
If you use "although," you need another part of the sentence with a subject and predicate:
Although I had in my mind that I was going to face the struggles along the way, I wondered if I could adapt to a whole new environment and learn a completely different language. but What I knew for sure was that life is a challenge and I needed to ...

I think some more meaning should be added to this sentence:
I believe Rutgers University will help me accomplish my dream. -----As the first sentence of a paragraph, this should have at least another word or two to add meaning.

The University of Rutgers will also help me in my studies more than any other school could help me, because __________ (why is is better than other schools?). I am and have always been fascinated with computers ever since I was young. My major is a computer engineer (name the major ... Computer Science?). With the help of Rutgers, I feel I can...

You write very well! I just suggest a little more detail in those short sentences.

:-)


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