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Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people


anonymous1 2 / 3  
Dec 23, 2012   #1
Prompt" How does a parting between two people affect their emotions?
what soothes their agony and pain?

And down it goes, quenching in the air. It cuddles its secret with it and then faints in despair. There it goes, and there goes the secret of an old affair; a secret of the bulged heart, a secret of the lament eye, a secret that the shadows eavesdrop, and a secret that knows no lie. There it goes, watering a cheek and screaming on the other, "I love you my mother..." There goes a candid tear; a story written by fate about a daughter besieged by fear, leaving her mother...leaving her mate. A story about parting or agony I must say since there's nothing that hurts more than splitting one day.

With hankering hearts melting in their tears, with desperate sparks igniting their fears, a lover sorrowfully parts from his dears. Whether leaving a husband, a father, or a peer, it's always a drama like that of Shakespeare; a mission that's tough, a decision that's austere. A person feels lost; he's losing the others. This feeling of loneliness is deadly when it bothers. He senses the world as a prison outside and feels like a bird that the tribe left behind. The fire goes high; he starts to melt down. He wants to fly; he wants to smile and tries to erase that filthy frown. The other, however, senses the flame. He stiffens the screams, yet the tears are to blame.

While drowning in an ocean of anguish and fears, and while losing it in a maze of grief and tears, there lays the hope at the end of the plot; their goes ‎the moan submitted to the lot. This hope in fact does bring them again from the swirl of feelings to the realm of the brain. They finally hug and give out a good-bye; they leave it for fate to stop the lament eye and bring it all out in a long-lasting sigh,

Fate never sneaks from a door you left open, but it rather sneaks from a door that's locked. It leaves you surprised, puzzled, even shocked. However, in the whole nonsense of fate and life, it's faith that gives us power to survive. So, when life swoops down, have some faith, leave it for God, and flip that frown.
Didgeridoo - / 306 191  
Dec 23, 2012   #2
I understand that you're trying to write a very artistic poem here, and it is very poetic. Very poetic. I have no idea what you're talking about. I feel like the admissions people are asking you to describe a time when you had to leave someone, and explicitly explain the thoughts and emotions that were running through you during and after.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Dec 23, 2012   #3
I agree with Didgeridoo. This sounds more like a piece of work that is meant for a creative writing assignment. I can tell that you have a great ability for writing, but unfortunately you are off the mark with this paper. Try to choose two people that have parted ways, and tell a little story about them. As you tell the story, speak of the feelings that they experienced and the emotions that they endured. This must be unique, so you can catch the eyes of admissions. Don't forget to answer the 2nd part of the question-what soothes their agony and pain? Faith in God is ok, but there needs to be more substance to the answer. There must be specific things or methods that helped the two people heal after their loss. If you revise this, feel free to re-post it and there are lots of people here that can help you :)
OP anonymous1 2 / 3  
Dec 25, 2012   #4
Thanks for your comments and for reading my essay :)
but actually we were assigned to write this essay after reading a story about a mother who a daughter who part called " A Parting "

But i didn't mention the story in the prompt because no one has read it :P
and the solution i thought was to submit things to fate since one can't change fate...
and i mentioned that faith can help in soothing the pain :P

thank you :)
ksh940826 1 / 2  
Dec 25, 2012   #5
Very poetic as
Didgeridoo has said, and I think you can expand on your thoughts to make it less descriptive. It seems as if you are using too much adjectives to show your vocab skills and not a lot about yourself, which is the main reason for the common app essay. I personally think it is a great essay, but it needs a little bit of revision.
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 25, 2012   #6
so... is this or is this not an admissions essay? if it is, then i'd go with the other posters and advise u to rewrite it. but if it's an assignment for college, this is BRILLIANT. hands down BRILLIANT. i read the poetry - it's so touching and poetic. and very literary...

only advice that i have is that the end, about fate, feels slightly irrelevant. at least, connect it back to parting - how parting is a result of fate, god's will, etc.

i can only say that ur "essay"left me AWESTRUCK.


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