Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you"

"Influence" Common Application essay. Schools I will be appplying to include Johns Hopkins, UPenn, UVA, Northwestern, U of Miami. Hello, I would really like to get some feedback on this essay. The only requirement was a minimum of 350 words. This is 518 words.

"Bow down to the ground. If I see the whites of your eyes, you will receive an 'F' for your participation grade," proclaimed Ms. Mary Lee, ninth grade World History teacher, as she swept across the large classroom, carrying away her own piercing brown eyes. To add depth to her students' understanding of the Middle Ages, Ms. Lee devised an interactive activity that would bring the social stratification of this period into the modern High School. Each student applied for and received a role ranging from peasant to Pope and was obliged to interact with others according to the demands of their status. For instance, a knight must carry the books belonging to the queen. At the pinnacle of the social hierarchy was God-played by Ms. Lee. The rather peculiar assertion of her authority as God clearly presented the vast importance religion possessed during the Middle Ages: God held supreme and ultimate authority.

Ms. Lee's use of unconventional demonstrations highlights her overall brilliance as an educator and as a beacon of light guiding my quest for knowledge. Textbooks and other traditional educational tools have always been available, but having teacher with a remarkable ability to demonstrate information in a unique, memorable way is a precious gift. I shall never forget the Middle Ages activity from this World History class. Likewise, I shall never forget the importance of religion and the idea of God during this time period, as well as its great influence on the lives of everyone; after all, for some people complying with the dictates of contemporary religion could be the difference between life and death-or a good grade in class.

Moreover, Ms. Lee's general teaching style had as significant of an impact on me as her specific methods. Her approach to teaching was to show her students the path to knowledge, thereby allowing students to reach comprehension on their own. This teaching fashion developed my own way of thinking: independently. Nonetheless, the greatest change to my thought occurred when I discovered the nature of Ms. Lee's approach on my own and understood her favorite phrase, "There is a method to my madness": a paragraph in the World History textbook introduced me to Socrates and immediately my curiosity was sparked. Noticing that this explanation was similar to Ms. Lee's manner of instruction, I endeavored to ask her if she was indeed attempting to emulate the famous thinker. This was precisely what she sought to do, Ms. Lee gleefully informed me. Her warm reaction encouraged me to approach her with my burgeoning philosophical inquiries. Thus, frequently, after the class was dismissed for the lunch break, I would stay behind for a few moments to converse on a point made in the lecture. This would soon transform into a satisfying existential debate or argument; nevertheless, I would leave the room with an ever greater abundance of questions beating upon my mind, piquing my devotion to philosophy-the art of questioning. I sought to find the answers by, like Levin from Anna Karenina, vehemently delving into the works of esteemed philosophers and referencing Ms. Lee for guidance on my search. Ms. Lee not only taught me the importance of passion in learning, but also the value of assisting others-a lesson I continue to prize and attempt to follow.

Ms. Lee provided an example of a successful maturity of philosophical thought, psychological understanding, and personal contentment. Hoping to stumble along my own path to this state, I found my sleep to be often delayed for hours as I pondered subjects such as happiness and existence. Though nearly weak and weary from the weight of my insatiable curiosity, I found the greatest joy and source of energy in my burning pursuit of essential meaning. Therefore, Ms. Lee enlightened me by revealing an amazing source of happiness: philosophy. My development of a deep appreciation for this avid process of examination was, in fact, an aspiration to become Walt Whitman's "noiseless patient spider," a blissful creature that has formed a bridge to something concrete: a soul that has found meaning and understanding.

In addition, Ms. Lee vividly expressed the matter of psychology in class lectures and our private discussions, intensifying my fascination with the subject; again, I turned to the classic figures in the field. My search began by reading through primary works such as "The Ego and the Id" and "Beyond Freedom & Dignity" by Freud and Skinner, respectively, as well as modern psychological perspectives that combine various theories. While Ms. Lee's in-class demonstrations-for instance, her mild versions of Ivan Pavlov's canine experiments-continued to enhance my understanding of psychology, her personal relationship with the subject inspired me with a desire to acquire the same tranquil mastery.

Though Ms. Lee did not see "the whites of [my] eyes," she did affect the depths of my soul.

For the last two sentences in the second paragraph here I was having some difficulties deciding on a structure because they are related but combining them into one sentence seems to be too much. Any thoughts?

While reading your essay, I felt that your start was very good, but I got lost in the two subsequent paragraphs. The conclusion is nice.

I think your essay is slightly haphazardly structured. Your description of Ms. Lee seems to be spread all over, as are the influences you mention.

I also thought the third paragraph delved into too much detail about yourself rather than her influence.

Thank you, Ershad!

I noticed that I left out "would" after I already posted the essay X ) -good reason for proofreading.

Can I fix the essay by relating what I already wrote to Ms. Lee's influence or if should just try to rework that whole section?

Would the conclusion to be the fourth paragraph or the last sentence? I was having some issues developing the conclusion...

I've edited the essay, does that middle portion flow better?

I feel slightly apprehensive about the length of the third paragraph-should I split it up or is that unnecessary?

With this improvement my essay will be 803 words...should that be a concern? If so, can I have some help shortening it?

Hi Maria

Your third paragraph is still not clear to me. When you say "the greatest change of thought", what do you mean -- inspiration to pursue philosophy, importance of passion in learning, or value of assisting others?

What I mean to say is, when I read those words, "the greatest change..", I expected an immediate and startling revelation. I just felt that the initial effect was lost somewhere in the lines that follow. But that's just my opinion.

Your fourth paragraph is good.

The length should not be a problem if you have not been given an upper word limit. Anything less than two pages should be fine.

Now, I have a piece of advice for you.

I hope that before you made those changes in your essay, you showed it to others who felt the same way as I did. If you didn't, then remember to NEVER make wholesale changes in your written piece based on just one person's opinion. Look for the general consensus. I'm not an expert (hell I'm just a beginner), but even experts can make mistakes.

You write very well.

Good luck!

Thank you.

To be quite honest, I felt the same way. However, I felt uncertain about my misgivings--hence the posting. After reading your comments, I decided to read through my essay once more (I have a bad habit of not reading things after I write them, hence them many minor glitches in grammar or spelling) and, not as a result of your comments, felt compelled to add to the essay. Your comments only influenced me by giving me the impetus to edit my essay that I wanted/needed, a direction/place to start, & a limit (since I am prone to writing too much so without your specifics the essay may very well have ended up suffocatingly longer). Also, my essays generally tend to be weak in the organization department since I usually write in, I'll admit, a ranting style & get hungry--and therefore distracted--about halfway through. I'll still be editing/tinkering it for a while, anyhow & the initial post was actually my 2.5th draft so this helped me get to the third draft. Thank you for your warning, though. I'll keep it in mind, especially since I am a wee bit of a perfectionist & probably quite susceptible to that. The rant there was unnecessary, but there you go!

Moreover, Ms. Lee's general teaching style had an equally significant impact on me due to her specific methods. --- argh, I'm having trouble figuring out how to fix this part...

Moreover, Ms. Lee's general teaching style had as significant of an impact on me as her specific methods. Her approach to teaching was to show her students the path to knowledge, thereby allowing students to --- that is what to do. Scratch out the extra part. :-)

Here is another part to cut out:
Therefore, Ms. Lee's influence inspired me to enlightened me by revealing an amazing source of happiness: philosophy. My development of a deep appreciation for this avid process of examination was, in fact, an aspiration become Walt Whitman's "noiseless patient spider," a blissful creature that has formed a bridge to something concrete: a soul that has found meaning and understanding.

:-)

This is great writing!! I enjoyed it.

A typo here -- social hierarchy reigned God-played by Ms. Lee
By the way, why did you replace queen with empress?


Seems fine to me.


Well, it is long, but I understood it. Anyway, I'm not qualified to talk about those things... yet.


Hmm...let's see...you use the word "change", but follow it up with "had a clear understanding" -- somehow this doesn't seem right. Don't you think it should be something like -- the greatest impression on me...

I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. A change is something like -- you heard about Jack and thought him to be really handsome, but he turned out to be a gorilla. Whereas, in your case, you already knew he was a gorilla, it's just that he turned out to be a bigger one....Do you get my point? Am I being too vague?


Do you really need these lines?


I don't think you need that word.


Writing this way only shows that you can write well, but here you need to be concise and direct. So, cut down the flowery stuff. You can write a much shorter sentence.

I can't really comment on the last two questions :(

Thank you Ershad!!


Ha, apparently I spelled it correctly the first time. My computer told me that it was wrong and suggested "reined." After some confusion, I gave up and took the computer's advice. Thank you for clearing that up XD


Because when I did that activity I initially applied for the role of empress. But the sexist book-carrying thing annoyed me so I took up the empty slot of cardinal. That sentence was inspired by my experience. A couple of days ago, I was looking for something in my e-mail and found my letter of application. I petitioned for the role of "empress," not queen. So, for that sake, I changed it. But that doesn't really matter (the knights had to carry the belongings of either high-ranking female)...what sounds better? haha


Ha! Yes, I think I understand. Thank you, Ershad.


Yes, it does seem to be a bit much. One reason they are there is because I wanted to explain the lunch break conversations, because that was really one of the most important things. Another reason, is, I think, just because I like that memory--partially out of ego because her comment was followed by her patting me on the shoulder and bragging about me to another teacher with a huge smile on her face. I understand that is a terrible reason for including something in an essay...So, the first two lines aren't really important but I really need to make the point that she and I had those philosophical discussions because that really was a huge factor in my life...hmm...


Yep, no one does. I just couldn't think of anything better to get my point (I really enjoyed the talks) across.


Aw, I liked that sentence XD haha, you make a good point, though. Do you think I can keep the "--the art of questioning" thing or put it somewhere else? I just like it, it's all dramatic and pum, pum, pum--the ART of QUESTIONING!! lol, I really need to get better reasons for writing things XD

As for the last questions, I admit, I am a bit too concerned with grammar XD

Queen, definitely.
Queen : Knight :: Empress : I don't know


haha...if you love it so much, then of course, you can keep it.

Well... I like this sentence a lot.----Her warm reaction encouraged me to approach her with my burgeoning philosophical inquiries. ---- this is a very meaningful sentence that causes a lot of reflection by the reader.

Thank you both! You have really helped me through this challenge =)

This is a winning essay. Congratulations. I think this essay is very near complete if not done. A little thought to chew on if you want is the classic tricky situation of not focusing on your teacher or the influence, but rather on you. That's only if you want to mess with it, then you can chew through that, but it's a winner as it is. Congrats :)

Hey, nice to see you, Andy!

Thank you, Andy! This essay is already uber long so I'm wary of editing it more out of fear that I shall not be able to restrain myself, but you make a good point...I've been wondering about how to properly walk that line since, well, before I decided on this topic. I still have a couple of months, though, so if I wake up in the middle of the night with the conviction that I urgently need to talk about the influence more, I will have that luxury. Either way, I plan on thinking about this essay PERPETUALLY (no, just kidding), but I definitely plan to give it thought--at least out of paranoia oO Thanks for reading it and replying!!