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Left Without a Father and my greatest role model - UC Prompt #1

cheat 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2010   #1
Just my first rough draft, haven't reread it or made any adjustments yet, please let me know what you think.

Prompt 1:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Suggestions for Prompt #1

My father has always been my greatest role model, although if I described him you might think the complete opposite. My father had no ambitions of raising a family or developing any relationships. Having left my mother for other women practically right after I was born, he was never there for me. We still had a father-son relationship, but it was always strained and never substantial, seeing him every other weekend just wasn't enough. He was still my role model, however, because of his knowledge of math. I liked math from a young age and because he was always able to help me with what I loved most, I considered him my idol. Unfortunately, in 2006, my father left back to his native country, Romania, leaving me and my mother behind for good.

I suffered through much of my father's absence. We hardly kept in touch after his departure, with contact limited to the times he rarely called or birthdays and holidays. My mother did an outstanding job of always being there for me, but I was left without a male figure in my life, someone of the same sex with which I could identify. The most crucial years of my life - my teens - were characterized by confusion and sadness at my father's apathy towards his "family." However, I vehemently defended my father when my mother said bad things about him because I didn't want to believe that my father was who she said he was. To me, he was still the man that was smarter than anyone in the world. A candle of hope always burned in me that one day he would come back and we could be reunited as a family. Eventually he stopped calling to check up on us and even stopped calling for birthdays and holidays, so the candle burned out and I saw my father for the person he was, the person my mother described to me as uncommitted and selfish.

Five years later, I still consider my father my greatest role model: he's still the brilliant man that can help me with any math problem, but I want to be the exact opposite of who he was as a father. Although he has been able to impart his knowledge of math to me, that was just about the only thing he could impart to me. He never gave me any fatherly advice or reassurance and he never taught me how to ride a bike, throw a football, or shave, rather, the most important lesson that he taught me was indirect and I never asked for it: he made me realize the importance of commitment and even more so the importance of family. I have been asked the age old question numerous times: what do you want to be when you grow up? My answer used to be that I just want to become an engineer, but recently, my answer has slightly changed; in addition to becoming an engineer, I want to be a good father to my children.

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"...And the Aztecs have tied the game up at 12-12 here on night one of Garden Grove League water polo action!" Those were the last words I heard before the looming feeling of disappointment overtook me. Here, at our first league water polo game, we were struggling to pull a win together. As the final seconds ran off the clock, the ball came to the player I was guarding. He treaded up for the shot but I treaded up with him, extending my arms spread eagle in hopes of blocking the ball. He took the shot, the buzzer rang, and I closed my eyes, hoping to get a piece of the ball. Everything was slow motion. The ball barely grazed my right arm but soared on past me and into the back of the goal. They had scored, giving them a 13-12 win over us.

We thought we had it in the bag. After an almost impeccable pre-season, we headed into our league games with utter confidence, perhaps even cockiness. The first team we played was a guaranteed win, we beat them every year for the past five years. We gathered in the team room an hour before the game and as team captain, I said, "We GOT this, guys. We are going to win, let's go out there and show them how we MAKE IT RAIN!"

We changed, warmed up, and before I knew it, it was game time. We started off strong, leading by six at half time. Third quarter came and it seemed like everyone had slowed down; no one was sprinting and our passes were getting sloppier, but we didn't mind it because we were still getting by and we were supposed to win. We only led by three at the end of the third. Fourth quarter we were getting sloppier still, and before we knew it, the game was tied. We tried snapping out of our confusion but it was too late. The game ended and we lost. No one could believe it. The team, our coach, and our fans went home disappointed.

Although we didn't win that day and secure first place, I learned a much more important lesson, the danger of underestimation and the importance of hard work. Instead of giving a pre game speech about the certainty with which we were going to win, I should have given a speech about how hard we would need to work to secure our coveted victory. Walking in to the game, I should not have had any preconceived notions that we would dominate the game without hard work, but my ego had been too inflated by our pre season success. This game brought me back down to reality and it taught me to never underestimate an opponent. Challenges I have faced always bring back this memory and whether I have a math test coming up or I'm playing pick-up basketball in the park, I know that success is impossible without hard work.
james23 3 / 8  
Nov 28, 2010   #2
Good structure. But I don't understand why is your father a role model. You only mention that he is brilliant man. What makes your father a role model?

I myself can say my father is brilliant...
You need to add more details. I am the reader not the writer. As a reader tell me why my father is role model. What did he do?
OP cheat 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2010   #3
Ok, I know exactly how to fix that part, thanks
OP cheat 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2010   #4
Slightly revised.

My father has always been ...
dncrdv23 3 / 7  
Nov 29, 2010   #5
I like the adjustments you have made. You answered all of the questions that james23 had asked you to.

Great job!

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