Okay. To start off, this essay is quite confusing. You seem to be trying to talk about many topics all at once. If you want to talk about your difficulty in assimilating into American culture when you first arrived, then talk about that. Or talk about the difficulty of going back to school in Venezuela after spending years in the United States. You can't discuss both in disconnected sentences. You also have incomplete sentences that do not have any subject at all. I feel that you need to go back an revise the content of this paper. But I would be remiss if I did not point out the areas where you can improve upon the essay. Let me list it down for you with suggestions and comments:
As a person I am privilege to spend the first 17 years of my life learning and interacting with multi-cultural environments.
- ... I
have been privileged to
have spent the first...
Rather than noticing my potential I saw myself as an outcast of society, never truly fitting in any of them, individuals judging me for been different but never did they or I truly notice full potential of my fortunate life.
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This comment from you does not support your previous sentence. First you said you were privileged, now you are saying that it was a negative experience? Which is it? You cannot be both.I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States in hopes I would have a better education as well as a better life.
- I left my home country
of Venezuela when I was 10... in
the hope
that I would...
I attended American school where I experience for the first time the melting pot
- ... where I experience
d the...
With time I was Speaking English in school Spanish at home and span/English outdoors .
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Over time, I began to speak English in school and Spanish and English outdoors.This interaction with languages and culture often lead me to think that as I learning a new culture an old one would eventually diminish
--- as I
learned a new culture,
the old one would eventually disappear.Struggle every day was shown in school as well as home; eventually communicating came to be from something unorthodox to an everyday situation .
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I struggled to communicate in the correct language everyday in school and at homeEvery now and then I would
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This is an incomplete sentence. What are you trying to say here? Complete it.After many years every time I go to Venezuela I see my old friends, going to school with the typical Venezuelan uniform, talking Spanish in the plaza. Margin once again with my native society was difficult and almost impossible. Feeling unfamiliar and to an extreme an outcast,
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This is a very confused sentence. You cannot say after many years every time I go Venezuela. Those are 2 different sentences with 2 different meanings. Let me try to fix it for you.-
After many years. I began to go home to Venezuela again. I spent some time Venezuelan schools where I saw my old friends, wore the typical school uniform, and spoke Spanish wherever I went. But now I was more American than Venezuelan and I had to come to terms with dealing with a culture that I had already forgotten.Feeling unfamiliar and to an extreme an outcast,
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Another incomplete sentence. You need to complete the thoughts as you write them.Since my exposure to diverse culture, I've experienced a significant amount of identical crises. Being Venezuelan and yet feeling more comfortable with a foreign culture and the discomfort of an outcast when I visit Venezuela. Observing only at the optimistic side of so called 'fortunate' society baptized me as a lucky prodigy, who would shine academically. This approached a pronounced burden, which have bound me to push myself to meet their expectations. Having this sense of pressure continuously places me in a logjam in which im not able to give my 100% for the fear of failing myself as well as the others.
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I believe the essay would flow better if you merged the information in this sentence into your concluding paragraph. That is because you speak of the privilege that you feel at being able to attend American schools among other things.However it was not long ago when I found out about how privileged I have been from the start. About two years ago I had the privilege of going to English course in Venezuela and talk about my transition to a new culture as well as knew language. I found myself in a very high alert, concerning myself weather they'll accept me or think of me as a haughty person.
I was shock to see the outcome, people accepted me for who I am. Blind by fear was I that I forgot what I am made of. I told them my story; they were charmed as if they have heard fantasy stories. It was then when I realize how much of a privilege child I was. A stage in my life is about to end and another one soon to begin, I will soon leave Illinois and explore more of what the melting pot has to offer
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It is really possible to merge the sentiments that you felt in the previous paragraph with this one. Concentrating on the talk that you had to give and how your past experiences made you fear giving the speech and then eventually realizing that you had nothing to fear at all. You can explain that having overcome that fear, you are not ready to learn more about your new culture and will accept that it has to blend with your old culture as well.I did not make any grammar revisions to the last 2 paragraphs because I feel that you need to revise it in order to make the topic and the end result of the paragraph clearer. Instead of 2 more paragraphs, you should have only1 paragraph that successfully transitions its final sentences into a conclusion. I hope my advice helps you. Good luck with your revision :-)