Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Having left military service some three years past, I had moved to Tennessee in pursuit of a job and, to a lesser extent, a yearning for the genuine and pervasive hospitality that Nashville was rumored to posses. A government contractor had hired me in a technical capacity and, for the most part, I liked my work. What's more, I thought the rather liberal work schedule would allow me the freedom to pursue my bachelors' degree in earnest.
Although I believe I have been a good student, a person cannot serve two masters equally well. Betwixt the conflicting commitments to scholastics and employment, my education suffered most. Missing lectures, fragmentary notes, and study by hotel lamplight all began to have the cumulative effect one would expect. While displeased by this trend, I foresaw no palatable option but to redouble my studies and have hope in a positive outcome. That is where fate provided a novel solution to my problem.
Reduction in Force has, I think, an innocuous ring to it; I can say with some authority, however, that the reality is anything but. While my recent unemployment was unpleasant and unexpected, it has cleared my way to finally complete the electrical engineering degree upon which I have labored for so long. What's more, without gainful employment binding me to the area, my reasons for staying in Tennessee have grown quite thin. So, while on the whole I have been pleased with my experience at Middle Tennessee State University, I can't help but feel my future aspirations will be better served in different climes. Therefore, as Boston has one of the more robust technological sectors on the east coast, a move in that direction seems quite fitting given my future career of choice. In a similar vein, a greater tie in between industry and educational institutions, I believe, will provide more research and internship opportunities in line with my preferences.
With that, I am happily New England bound and I believe fortune will prove me much enriched by the choice.
How about adding a short sentence, a short poignant sentence, to the end of para #1... a sentence that punctuates the main idea.
Reduction in Force has, I think, an innocuous ring to it
Should force be capitalized?
and educational institutions, I believe, will provide more research and internship opportunities in line with my preferences.
I think at the end here you have inserted a dependent clause one too many times and should ... omit "I believe." I think "I believe" is always a bad idea in an essay.
Okay... I just want one or two sentences to bring it back to your plan for the future, your career ideas.
:-)
