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our legal justice system is faulty!!

pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 31, 2009   #1
Prompt: If you could explore whatever you wanted for one year using methods of your choice, how would you direct your efforts and what would you hope to accomplish? (500 Word Limit)

It was the summer of 2007, when Kim&Woo, LLC law firm took me in as a student intern that I discovered my previously dormant passion for law and a desire to explore the rules by which we distinguish our behaviors. During my three-month internship, I encountered many concerns, some of which I was petrified to discover yet so fascinated to extract from many cases. While the public, lawyers, and politicians are primarily concerned about the legal procedures of the many cases that continue to infest our daily newspapers, a close inspection of the pattern of legal actions taken in courtrooms proves that the audience should also note the flaws in our judicial system today. Both heedless and unintended inaccuracies in the infrastructure of the system can produce significant dangers in the lives of innocent people, and the United States should take immediate action in discovering a more secure system to avoid any mishaps.

I want to devise an improved legal system in which all citizens can obtain the most competent representation and prosecutorial procedure regardless of income, race, sex, or any other identification wherein a method will offer sufficient and legitimate proof before any executions are made. Too often, innocents have been convicted with amateur evidences and authentications due to careless mistakes of geneticists, lawyers, and judges. Geneticists have previously made clerical errors in DNA handling and interpretation, and lawyers have been sleeping during trials. The first step in improving our legal system is by controlling these malpractices, whether it is through legislation or stronger sanctions to encourage higher performances. Additionally, while technology demonstrates capacity to discover a more judicious method, the government is only recapitulating history. Such a study would require me to analyze an ample amount of cases of various subjects that would adequately represent the many prevailing cases, and that I collaborate with crime scene investigators and the like to formulate a new approach. Through the process of the experiment, I hope to explore the history of our legal system including the explanation and the foundations for the design of today's legal system and to examine the many laws and processes that have been eradicated in the past.

While the majority of the public is not aware of (or perhaps rather ignorant of) the erroneousness of the American legal system, others have made equivocal efforts in resolving this serious issue. President Bush signed a Justice for All Act on October 20, 2004 - an imperative legislation that was designed in hopes of ultimately bringing an end to miscarriages of justice by guaranteeing access to DNA testing, competency requirements of defense attorneys, quality legal representation for vagrant defendants, and increased compensation for wrongfully imprisoned defendants. Actions such as these help ensure that American citizens are well-protected by law, and I am determined to induce new processes in our legal system as a step towards an advancement in American lives.

OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 31, 2009   #2
a close inspection at the pattern of legal actions taken in courtrooms prove

it's suppose to be proves
please ignore this grammar mistake. haha
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #3
you focus A LOT on how the system is bad.. not as much on how you would change it or direct efforts to accomplish that. Only a small section, paragraph 3 and the end of 4 include your own ideas? or am i wrong. sorry its late.
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Oct 31, 2009   #4
you're right but..i'm not a lawyer. hahahaaa. i can't really say how i'll approach it or what i'll exactly do because i don't know law inside out. (i wish i did..) ):

i thought writing the essay in a format of 1. reasoning for study 2. study and approach 3. example of such an accomplishment would suffice the essay.. :P

how can i fix it?
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #5
maybe less what you have already explored and what you hope to explore..i assume that's what the prompt asks for. so less of the facts. and more about you. your own reasons, maybe personal, or other factors that make you want to change the system. i want to too, but that'd be a whole other spiel. another thing, maybe say in a negation method of those statements to show what you'd change.
mcdy143 5 / 17  
Oct 31, 2009   #6
Personally speaking, I think your essay leaves me an impression that you're trying to sound really technical. Although it may be the requirement to be technical, you should try not to include too much existing information in your essay. Also, some sentences are very long and you should try to simplify them.

Other than that, great job on the deep research.
jaimeealexis 3 / 7  
Oct 31, 2009   #7
i feel that admissions don't care as much as to how you feel about things and your view..i mean it's okay to add some but maybe you can trim it down a little and include more of what you can contribute to change what you don't agree with and how you plan to do it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 2, 2009   #8
Awesome, you write very well and this is an important issue. If you get a chance to write more about this, I recommend this book:

amazon.com/Crazy-Fathers-Through-Americas-Madness/dp/0399153 136

It is about mental health and prison, and it will really give you lots of inspiration and ideas.

You can use it in your future studies, or you can even refer to it in this essay in order to show that you have done some reading.
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 3, 2009   #9
EF Kevin, the link didn't work ): what's the title? i'd love to read it before submitting this!

andd do you think it's too informational/research like as others said?
batmankiller 6 / 40  
Nov 3, 2009   #10
You're a good writer, but in some aspects it seems like a research paper and not as much a personal essay. While your conclusion and closing sentences make it more personal, some parts are very telly. You "have to show not tell "
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 5, 2009   #11
You know, some people's writing styles are much like research papers. I think it is okay, and I think it is impressive. It would only be a problem if you were not "keeping it real," you know, if you were just citing lots of sources and not writing from the heart. But this is very good.

That book is by Early, and it is Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness.
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 25, 2009   #12
Prompt: Describe something you are passionate about. Explain how you will incorporate this into the legacy you want to leave.

Do you think the essay works for this prompt?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 27, 2009   #13
I think you are asking if this essay works for a prompt that asks you to write about something you are passionate about. I think this essay does work for that.

The last paragraph of the essay is not really a conclusion. It is more like a body paragraph. Maybe you should give a conclusion that reflects on your thesis statement.

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