PROMPT: NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
NOTES: Currently essay is 462 words. Any criticism or feedback is appreciated. I need some help cut this essay short/ delete anything.
"Would you like to place your order?"
"Yes"
I glance anxiously at the Ebay timer. My blood pressure rises while my sweaty palms await to type a higher bid.
One minute, thirty seconds...
"The bid is over."
Exasperated, I let out a sigh. This is how I spend a majority of my weekends: Buying vintage and rare Lego sets to sell online at a markup. Four years as a Lego retailer has helped me obtain knowledge on how to retail, distribute, and maintain customer loyalty. Because of my experiences, I am fascinated by entrepreneurship. Finding business opportunities and ways to tackle problems excites me, and my Legos have provided me with the building blocks to my future.
However, I currently cannot apply what I have learned in schools and textbooks into my real life experiences. Through all of my sales online, I had only taken my passion and applied it to a very specific business setting. I want to attend the best schools in order to succeed in the business world.
NYU meets everything I have been looking for. The Stern business school would allow me to gain a deeper understanding of the foundations and application of business, while its proximity to Wall Street would give me an environment which I can gain internships and meet new networks. With classes on Practical Data Science to Sales Management, which would allow me to garner the skills necessary to create and manage a company successfully, I would also be able to work on my start-up while continuing my education.
However, I am not only bringing my passion for business to NYU. Stern's diverse campus life and student body would foster an environment which I can gain experience with different beliefs, cultures, and interests. Whether it be through my dance crew experience that urges me to join NYU's break dance troupe, or through my experiences with tutoring others which encourages me to join the nations' largest university sponsored America Reads &America Counts group, NYU provides me a perfect opportunity to get involved with a culturally diverse population. I look forward to finding the right business team and synergizing with them to create startup companies at the Stern Entrepreneurial Exchange Group. Most importantly, I want to help others in the community through my startups.
I plan to pass on my torch of business knowledge to the communities that I will belong. This year, I have created my own Entrepreneurship Club at school in order to unify my passion for business and for bettering others by teaching students how to build their own start-ups. Now as walk this path to business, I plan to give back to the community. All my experiences, combined with my passion for business, will help me grow as a student at NYU.
Four years, being a Lego retailer has helped me
Now as I walk this path to business
"my Legos have provided me with the building blocks to my future." (I really like this innuendo!!). I would refer to it as The Stern School of Business. I think your research of what the school has to offer comes across very clearly and benefits you. If you are able, I would include your Legos example more throughout your essay. It seems like a big experience that is a part of who you are, and it'd be helpful to at least relate back to it in the conclusion. Overall, your passion for business is pretty clear. Good job!
