Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Would someone tell me if my paragraphs flow fluently and my ideas stay consistently? This is my third revision. My counselor told me that my ideas switch from one to another and lack of main point.
I will appreciate any advice!!!
I come from Taiwan, a democratic country that offers 9 years' of free education to develop each individual so that students can meet academic objectives. Therefore, this social anticipation produces a highly competitive educational environment. Students usually have overloaded examinations with high pressure. Under this circumstance from where I grew up, students are expected to spend seven days a week on studying without free weekends. All I concerned was pursuing high scores and defeating students around me. Nevertheless, certain profound incidents gradually challenged my philosophy.
My sister was one of the victims under the stressful tradition on evaluating one's intellectual capacity in Taiwan. She has greatly suffered from the symptoms of melancholic because of her continued failure in studying. Though she consistently put effort on studying, the result did not come out as fulfilling. The sorrow in me as a witness of a mental patient led me to doubt such a competitive but restricted environment. Hence, learning from past experience, my parents sent me to the United States to acquire a different meaning of education.
Moreover, the second host family I have stayed with since I came to United States marked another "watershed" in my life. The person whom I live with is an African American woman, who was involved in the Civil Rights Movement in 1960s particularly for African American's equality under the leadership of Martin Luther King. From learning a distinct aspect of viewing the egalitarian America, I reconsidered what equality truly meant- each individual feels respected. The first-hand experience my host mother shared with me provided me an enthusiasm to convey humanity instead of simply pulling others down and seeking my own benefit.
I had never stepped out of my limited learning atmosphere until I came to the United States, a country where students are trained to express their thoughts directly in class, be involved in with team work, and take part in extracurricular activities. Since I came to America in August, 2009, my experience has changed me from a naïve girl who used to dream about getting personal benefits to the one who dwells on making some impact on others. The transformation of my worlds has taught me a significant lesson－studying is not just about proving how intelligent a person is but inspiring one to contribute positively to the society. Therefore, I expected myself to have not only accountability but also consistency toward morality and humanity.
Word Count: 402
I obviously don't know you, but it doesn't sound like you. Or better yet, it doesn't sound like you care about what you are writing about. My English teacher once told me that my paper sounded like a news column, when I took a second look I understood that there was no personal feelings in any of the paragraphs. Tell them how your sisters story is important to you, why you are glad your parents sent you to the united states. Also, the story about your host mother could be extremely influential. You should really elaborate and make it personal. But I do agree with your counselor, your main points aren't relevant to one another. I would out line like this
I. Intro- Background on Taiwan, and education system
II. Body - You sister suffered (how, deff. elaborate on the effects it had on you), your parents decided to send you here, and you have learned more than what you are taught in school by living with your host mother (maybe how she effected you)
III. Conclusion - I really like it, except the last sentence. Don't use therefore, find a way to re word it
I also felt like the person above about you not being like yourself
Also. You might want to start out with something more eye catching.
This kind of topic is very typical.
And i think using Therefore is actually fine...
but overall, i felt like your essay wasnt as strong as it could have been
I made some changes to my essay...
My sister, who is at her age of twenty, was one of the victims under the stressful tradition on evaluating one's intellectual capacity in Taiwan. She has greatly suffered from the symptoms of melancholic because of her continued failure in studying. Thus, learning from past experience, my parents sent me to the United States to acquire a different meaning of education. After I left my hometown, my sister fell into mental sickness for the second time. Being far away from my family, I helplessly blame myself for my absence to accompany my sister. The only chance I saw her was the summer after my junior year, the time when she could neither recognize who I was nor continue her education. Tears of complex emotion burst out numerously, perhaps toward my parents' sacrifice, or perhaps toward the questionable academic environment in Taiwan that mentally destroyed a perfectionist suchlike my sister.
The second host family I have stayed with since I came to United States marked another "watershed" in my life. The person whom I live with is an African American woman, who was involved in the Civil Rights Movement in 1960s particularly for African American's equality under the leadership of Martin Luther King. From learning a distinct aspect of viewing the egalitarian America, I reconsidered what equality truly meant- each individual feels respected. There are people who routinely contesting fame and wealth while there are myriad of minorities who urge assistance. For pursuing a truth, I can be a leader, just like my host mother, rather than a follower. The first-hand experience my host mother shared with me provided me an enthusiasm to convey humanity instead of simply pulling others down and seeking my own benefit.
This is the last sentence....
By integrating diverse cultures, I expect myself to have not only accountability but also consistency toward morality and humanity.
To Hillary:
I have no idea what makes you feel what I wrote does not sound like who I am. Is it because how I describe it? Is it too dramatic or lack of description?
I tried to add more detail to my body paragraphs. Does that sound more "personal"??
And you said that my "main points aren't relevant to one another," but could explain it more specifically, such as how they are irrelevant.
I am taking all your suggestion seriously, hope to get your advice soon.=D
To Ye Hee:
I appreciate your advice, but it's sort of discouraging to me. Isn't the prompt about "the world I come from" and "how it has shaped me"? My original idea was to convey a progress in my life, saying how my first worldview changed to another worldview. I didn't recognize that it's typical, especially the experience of staying with an African American woman. I just wrote what I had really experienced without a lie. Would you kindly give me more specific suggestion on my second revision?
