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Lessons in Life; my academic/personal journey to academic succes. transfer essay


Bianca 1 / 3  
Aug 21, 2012   #1
PROMPT:
The personal statement should be a comprehensive narrative essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

I. Address the following topics:

~~~~~I tried to answer as much questions in a narrative voice, even though it is not required to answer every single one. I need to know if it is a strong essay, what do add/remover and grammar/punctuation corrections. Thank You!~~~

MY ESSAY:

The day had finally come. I was moments away from walking down the aisle and receiving my diploma. As I waited in line, thoughts and images swirled rapidly captivating my mind. I was in a trance; recounting the dedication, numerous hours of studying, advanced placement and sleepless nights to reach this point. Gazing at the crowd I beamed with satisfaction. This was the first of many milestones I would conquer.

I landed in Denver, Colorado. I hadn't been to this place I once called home since I was little girl. Riding down the many highways to Boulder, Colorado I gawked at the airport, mountains and landscapes. Finally, I reached the university checked into my room and eyed my surroundings; I was ready to accept this challenged called college and was resolute to subjugate.

Despite, this new achievement a vicious milestone came down on me harder than anything I had faced in awhile. Awaking one morning two weeks into the semester, I was extremely exhausted and severely cold. I was accustomed to being cold as I had been since I was seventeen. However, the exhaustion was particularly unusual. Nevertheless I brushed it off and proceeded to class. As the days passed I was increasingly tired, finding it difficult to get out of bed. When I was able to, I was incapable of focusing in class and had a rapid loss in memory. I would become faint walking around campus, out of breath and randomly drifting off to sleep. I was a stranger in my own body and powerless to seize control.

November was approaching, and I was on my way back to Seattle to enjoy Thanksgiving. In addition, I was awaiting my trip to the clinician to seek out the cause of my condition. Fast forward, the blood tests were drawn and my doctor was astonished. She stated that I was severely anemic due to the fact that I had a trace of sickle cell from my mother's side. Had I waited any longer I would have needed a blood transfusion. The good news it was treatable with noticeable improvement within three months. However, the disappointing news-I would have to take ferrous sulfate (and a range of other vitamins due to my lack of nutrients) for the rest of my life. My suspicion was quenched and I was headed back college to resurrect the grades that had been damaged from my sudden sickness.

Consequently, there was only so much I could do to raise my grades. The semester was coming to an end in two weeks and I was facing academic probation with no chance of successfully switching into the College of Engineering and Applied Science. Despite this minor set back, my health was improving and I learned a valuable lesson. I had set unrealistic standards. I was too focused on switching into the College of Engineering and Applied Science, perusing computer engineering and minoring in business. My major was undecided while I took classes that would give me a better glimpse and understanding of computer science. I was adamant on performing better than I had in high school and landing a spot on the dean's list all in one semester; and combined with my health problems my grades crashed and burned.

Similarly, my unpleasant grades, health and sudden change of character were factors that contributed to the wake up call I needed. I drastically changed my mindset. I re-set my goals, priorities and in return regained my ambition; my newfound drive was stuck on the acceleration and had no plans of letting up. I created a five-year plan that consisted of obtaining a bachelor degree, scoring well on the LSAT, entering graduate school, perusing a career in law obtaining a job, traveling, giving back to the community and establishing myself as an independent woman. In addition, I went into overdrive. I established a new love, keenness and passion for my education. I declared philosophy as my major and replaced any once of free time with studying. My efforts paid off as my grades increased dramatically and I found a fresh and exhilarating desire to learn. I discovered philosophy fit perfectly into my fondness to think outside the box, explore all aspects of life and debate non-stop. It allowed me to think critically as well as to form valid arguments, discover new truths and spot fallacies effortlessly. Also, I was interested in perusing law as a graduate student, but first I had to change my institution to further impact my mindset.

While attending the University of Colorado at Boulder, I realized the institution didn't fit into my needs or goals. It lacked diversity with minorities making up less than a quarter of the student body. Moreover, its philosophy program didn't have a wide range of choices where as the University of Washington does. Also, it was difficult attending University of Colorado at Boulder, as I had no family or friends, despite joining clubs such as the Black Student Alliance and African Student Alliance. My only immediate family is my mother and she also is my emotional and financial support system. Being in a new place with limited financial support and no emotional support made my first year of college somber.

Moreover, I had forgot how much my culture contributed to me being a person that strove relentlessly for my aspirations. I was raised into a culture that comprised of hard earnest work, religious morals, devotion to my education, expansive knowledge of black history and appreciation for other ethnicities. Being an African American female, I was unaccustomed to being one of the few of minorities in a predominately Caucasian town and institution such as University of Colorado at Boulder. Living in Seattle, I was surrounded by Ethiopians, Somalis, Eritreans, Vietnamese, African Americans, Hispanics, and bi-racial and multi-racial individuals. Despite me feeing out of place, I also realized my culture gave me a natural ability be optimistic and fearless. During my rough time in Colorado I was positive and hopeful throughout the whole experience, allowing my faith and ambition to carry me through. Also, I learned that leaving Seattle was a major step in verifying to myself that I was capable of being on my own and that I was built for college. In addition, the character that I am today showed me that today's society is a land of endless opportunities but you have to yearn for your success.

Given the opportunity to to attend the University of Washington, it would allow me, to give back to your community, I would like to get involved with such groups as Associated Black Business Students, Caribbean, African, Jazz & Hip Hop, Speech & Debate Society, Minority Law Students Association, Pre-Law Society at the University of Washington and Law Women's Caucus. By joining and becoming apart of these groups, I will use my leadership skills to impact your community even further by raising the awareness of these groups, recruiting more members and spreading the facts of how these groups can help the students and better the university. I also can impact your community by reaching out to younger students such as middle school and high school students and make them aware of the University of Washington and what it offers, what it means to them and how it will impact and improve their futures. Moreover, one of the main goals at the University of Washington is to improve and disperse knowledge, which means that you want to increase the understanding and awareness of issues and make it accessible to more students, thus improving the University if Washington and its community. I am a young black woman and I know first had the difficulties of gaining an education and being aware of educational opportunities. I have seen how much trouble I have gone through to obtain information about colleges and high school classes that men and other ethnic groups get first hand. By reaching out to ethnic groups such as African American Latinos, and recruiting more women it would make the community more diverse and gives a wider range of ethnic groups and women more opportunities in the world and closer to achieving their goals and the communities. Being apart of the University of Washington community would allow me to thrive in an environment that is rich in arts, music, technology, deep-rooted historical history and ambitious entrepreneurs. Moreover, the University of Washington would offer an environment that would allow me to develop a mature and independent judgment and an appreciation of the range and diversity of human achievement.

admission2012 - / 481 90  
Aug 22, 2012   #2
Hello Biana,

First, I would like to say that I am a former admissions officer from an Ivy League University and a State College. These are my personal thoughts on your essay based upon my years of experience. After many years of reading thousands of essays and reviewing just as many transcripts, I can say your circumstance is not so rare. Each year at the State College, I would read tons of essays from freshmen transfers who wanted to leave behind the disaster of their freshman year. I assure you, many transfer admissions officers(especially at public schools) understand this and will focus more on high school grades or your most recent grades after your disaster semester. This is - of course - only if you acknowledge your wrong and have a serious plan for your future. Your essay seems to go in many many directions and you do not seem to take responsibility. While everything you say is probably true, the way it is written here will certainly raise an eyebrow. First you mention your bad grades we due to a rather common illness -especially among college aged women- then you attribute it to your surrounding environment. While these all are plausible, you, yourself never fully take responsibility. You are not the first freshman to do poorly and certainly will not be the last. What you need to focus more on in this essay is to portray real responsibility. Talk about a solid plan rather than just writing..."I created a five-year plan that consisted of obtaining a bachelor degree, scoring well on the LSAT, entering graduate school, perusing a career in law obtaining a job, traveling, giving back to the community and establishing myself as an independent woman." While that is fine....it is just words. What in depth research have you completed? Have you tried to shadow a judge? Have you tried to get a law or business related internship? What community service have you started doing NOW? There are so many ways you can show that you are serious rather than just writing it. Finally, you mention many groups that you will join at UofW and once again that is fine...but talk about the academic experience a little bit more. After-all what you are after is the core academic integrity of the University. Give specifics as to why the Philosophy department at U of W is better. Once you do these things, your essay should have you admitted in no time. -AAO


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