So here's my initial draft for the 150 word activity essay. Currently it stands at 167 words so if you could find something to cut out that'd be great. My main concern is does my passion come through enough? Any other thoughts would be lovely.
Soccer practice is something I can not complain about. After an arduous day of classes, I expect my body and mind to be somewhat hesitant toward the idea of having to run around a field shouting at teammates for an hour and half. Instead, I find myself quickly running through Roessler Hall and scrambling for my sports bag, eager to run down to the field.
During the school year, soccer is a daily liberation from my academic classes that can become somewhat monotonous. While my regular classes teach me the intricacies of Reaganomics and asymptotes, soccer practice offers something radically different. I learn about the subtleties of diagonal runs and the physics behind proper penalty kicks. I begin to extol verbal communication while shunning lethargic behavior. Most importantly, it's here on blades of grass that I discover the importance and benefits of close companionships and team bonds. Soccer provides an outlet for learning things that I would rarely be taught in a classroom. How can I resist?
Soccer practice is something I can notcannot complain about. After an arduous day of classes, I expect my body and mind to be somewhat hesitant toward the idea of having to run around a field, shouting at teammates for an hour and half. Instead, I find myself quickly running through Roessler Hall and scrambling for my sports bag, eager to run down toget on the field.
During the school year, soccer is a daily liberation from my academic classes that can become somewhat monotonous. While my regular classes teach meI learn about the intricacies of Reaganomics and asymptotes during the school day , soccer practice offers something radically different. I learn about the subtleties of diagonal runs and the physics behind proper penalty kicks. I begin to extol verbal communication while shunning lethargic behaviorand shun laziness . Most importantly, it's here on blades of grass that I discover the importance and benefits of close companionships and team bonds. Soccer provides an outlet for learning things that I would rarely be taught in a classroom. How can I resist?
I love the way this is written and your passion really does shine through!
Some things I think you can cut out:
-some adjectives (e.g. "verbal"..it may be implied that communication on a soccer field is verbal..I'm not TOO sure though )
- you can reword some things so there are less words involved?
overall, nicely written :)
Thanks a bunch for the edits. I'll definitely try to cut out some adjectives and merge some sentences together. Anyone else have any thoughts?
I think everything is too obvious until you get to this point:
While my regular classes teach me the intricacies of Reaganomics and asymptotes, soccer practice offers something radically different. I learn about the subtleties of diagonal runs and the physics behind --- this is where it becomes interesting. Can you give this essay a theme of INTELLECTUAL passion? Because that would make it unique. I like the way you observe the geometry and science behind soccer, and what it teaches you.
This essay can have a theme like this: soccer teaches a new way of strategic thinking.
But in answer to your question, this does not convey passion: Soccer practice is something I can not complain about.
or...
soccer is a daily liberation from my academic classes that can become somewhat monotonous.
That thematic angle of soccer acting as a new way of learning is actually what I was trying to convey. At least I have that kind of idea somewhere in there. I'll definitely edit and add some things. Update coming soon.
