This is for the application to:
Vassar, Wesleyan, Carleton, Wash U, Macalester, Oberlin
Prompt:
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
As I find myself rapt in hollow thought, my mind travels on an infinitely increasing path, racing toward the universe's limits. I open my eyes. My physical self is surrounded by lost souls in overwhelming darkness, causing my trapped body and opened mind to diverge as separate units. My skin cells and DNA deteriorate in the conformity and materialism around me while my mind is in a foreign world. This is a world of opportunity and inspiration, and a world where stigmas, stereotypes, and limits do not exist: a world I call "Void."
Ignore "void's" negative, misleading connotations. Void is not empty and emotionless. Void is where I am the person I want to be, unfiltered by standards, rules, and ridicules. Void is freedom. However, the lack of happiness and motivation my physical self is surrounded in brings my voided mind negative energy, repelling my mind from my body. The repulsion turns me grey and the two parts of me cannot coexist. I become a lonely body misplaced in a cell, conforming and ignorant, like the other robots around me. I tediously and impatiently wait for my mind to take me with it and become one.
Fall quarter at the titanic and bleak university I thought I wanted, helped me appreciate how imperative it is that my physical and metaphysical self coexist. It is time to give my mind the positive energy it needs to take me with it. This coexisting self I speak of will no longer be hidden in crowds, or taught from a distance. I will be educated eye-to-eye. I will know the names of professors, and they will know mine. I will become enveloped by others with the same yearning for knowledge and wisdom as I. Most importantly, I will be part of a community of learners, teachers, and contagious smilers. For once, I will stand naked and proud, excited to show the world my true self.
I must show I am qualified to join such a community. My mind's hunger for understanding is analogous to its continuous, increasing path. Uncovering why and how our multi-dimensional, constantly changing world works the way it does, leads me in all kinds of tangential directions where I find myself at 4am Googling dark matter and Pythagorean theorem proofs. I love learning and expanding my realm of knowledge. Despite the rush of blood to my face when I am in congested, cavernous lecture halls, I raise my hand dying to ask one of many questions my dancing mind is wondering.
A liberal arts education and a tight-knit community with an intellectual and progressive academic environment will open my doors to Void. My selves will travel on an infinitely increasing path together soaking up knowledge and optimism along the way. No longer able to differentiate two separated units, I will share with the world the limitless, intelligent, and happy person I am.
Fall quarter at the titanic and bleak university I thought I wanted, helped me appreciate how imperative it is that my physical and metaphysical self coexist. It is time to give my mind the positive energy it needs to take me with it. --- expand how the university is bleak. the statement's good but it is empty!
I must show I am qualified to join such a community. My mind's hunger for understanding is analogous to its continuous, increasing path. Uncovering why and how our multi-dimensional, constantly changing world works the way it does, leads me in all kinds of tangential directions where I find myself at 4am Googling dark matter and Pythagorean theorem proofs. I love learning and expanding my realm of knowledge. Despite the rush of blood to my face when I am in congested, cavernous lecture halls, I raise my hand dying to ask one of many questions my dancing mind is wondering.
-- I must show THAT I am qualified to join such a community.
-- I love, love, love the animation of your writing. I can picture a person doing all these finite motions.
The conclusion's good.
I like it,alot :)
* Also the length is perfect. Don't take out anything, I think it'll compromise the sinuous flow of you're writing.
Wow thank you so much for your time!
One question, when you say elaborate on why it is bleak. Don't you think it is explained in the first paragraph how I am surrounded by darkness in conformity and materialism? Or do you think it needs more. THanks for your ADVICE. MUCH APPRECIATED!
Actually, you're right. It is explained thoroughly in the first paragraph. My bad!
Thanks!
That first sentence seems a little melodramatic. How about simplifying a little:
As I find myself rapt in hollow thought, my mind traveling racing on a infinitely increasing path toward the universe's limits.
Ignore the negative, misleading connotations of the word "void."
For once, I will stand naked and proud, excited to show the world my true self. --- not appropriate on campus.
Okay, I get it, the rest of us are robots, and only you have the vision necessary for fresh originality. I guess I think this is great writing but not great for the occasion. I recommend rewriting this to focus on a particular field. Someone as forward thinking as you must have a clear plan for the future, so write an essay that shows how your reasons for transferring are based on a clearly envisioned plan.
:-)
the creativity seems forced. I was gripped by thr first para but then my eyes started skimming your elaborate prose to find the "real stuff" in there. you know what i mean?
It's a good start but you should edit with concrete details and illustrations rather than abstract metaphors. :)
