This is for Rider College's online application, and they ask the question, "Who has meant a lot to you/is a signifigant person in your life?" I know this is awful, it's sloppy and sounds haphazardly written. It's also lengthy for a college essay, so if you could help me it would be greatly appreciated. (Revision, typing errors, etc.) Thank you!
On the first day of every school year, I would go to each of my new classes, and without mistake, there would be at least one class wherein the teacher would give us a "Getting To Know You" sheet; and on this sheet would be a set of questions for us to answer, such as, "What's your favorite class?" "What do you plan to learn in this class this year?" and of course, the ever popular, "Who is someone you admire?"
Up until three years ago, I wasn't sure if I should put down an answer according to what I believed would impress the teacher, nor did I know of anyone I could sincerely answer with. Growing up, people made extremely temporary impressions on me. I lived the years passively, often forsaking old friends for new ones. Teachers were the same, and even when they did make a seemingly enduring impression on me, their negligence to remember my name by the next year or two drowned my faith in their fostering persona. My attention span for reality waned further and further as my tendency to daydream became more frequent. But then, all of this changed once I started babysitting Catherine.
Catherine must be the strongest eight year old girl anyone will ever have the displeasure of challenging to a wrestling match. Her azure eyes sparkle with the fierce determination that only the most inspired of artists have, and her compassion can only be compared with that of a saint's. No person will ever feel alone, no game will be left untouched and no song will be un-sung as long as Catherine has a say about it. And of course, this completely differed from me, who would have just left all of those things alone. But she could not speak, except for "baah"'s, "daah"'s, and "doh"'s, because she was diagnosed with Downs Syndrome, and this condition was a challenge which proved difficult to overcome. Her mewls which were meant to direct me only confused me more, until I was left sitting down cross-legged leaning on one hand completely dumfounded. And then she tried sign language, none of which of course I knew. But it fascinated me, and I caught onto simple signs quickly; for example, pointing to one's neck and trailing a line down it means "thirsty", extending all of the finger's on one's hand and then pulling it up so that the thumb is touching one's chin means "mom", to move that up means "dad", and so on.
Soon enough, almost all of our conversations were in sign language, and I found myself being driven for the first time to work for something for a reason. When I began to volunteer at special needs camps, the connection I had sewn with the campers who could not speak for themselves meant more to me than any of my other friendships had. And the fact that I was so lucky to have come across Catherine, my idol, and the reason for my pursuit toward connecting with any child in need, painted my once bland canvas into a masterpiece of radiant colors and rich meaning. As the emotionally marred, backwater character in Gummo once said, "Life is beautiful. Really, it is. Full of beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you'd be dead." The beautiful gem that is Catherine taught me that each breath I take is taken for a reason; and I've found that my reason is to be the cornerstone for any person who does not have one to lean on.
It is terrible (especially the ending), I'm aware. But I really don't know what to do at this point, or how to make a solid closing. Help!
On the first day of every school year, I would go to each of my new classes, and without mistake, there would be at least one class wherein the teacher would give us a "Getting To Know You" sheet; and on this sheet would be a set of questions for us to answer, such as, "What's your favorite class?" "What do you plan to learn in this class this year?" and of course, the ever popular, "Who is someone you admire?"
It's a bit wordy and the sentences are a bit choppy. Describe the experience more and give an eye-catching introduction!
Up until three years ago, I wasn't sure if I should put down an answer according to what I believed would impress the teacherwhat to write in order to impress the teacher (sounds more concise) , nor did I know of anyone I could sincerely answer with (Weird wording) . Growing up, people made extremely(extremely) temporary What do you mean by temporary?) impressions on me. I lived the years passively, often forsaking old friends for new ones. Teachers were the same, and even when they did make a seemingly enduring impression on me, their negligence to remember my name by the next year or two drowned my faith in their fostering persona. My attention span for reality waned further and further as my tendency to daydream became more frequent. But then, all of this changed once I started babysitting Catherine.
Catherine must be the strongest eight year old girl anyone will ever have the displeasure of challenging to a wrestling match. Her azure eyes sparkled with the fierce determination that only the most inspired of artists have, and her compassion can only be compared with that of a saint's. No person will ever feel alone, no game will be left untouched and no song will be un-sung as long as Catherine has a say about it. And of course, this completely differed from me (Weird wording) , who would have just left all of those things alone. But she could not speak, except for "baah"'s, "daah"'s, and "doh"'s, because she was diagnosed with Downs Syndrome, and this condition was a challenge which proved difficult to overcome. Her mewls which were meant to direct me only confused me more, until I was left sitting down cross-legged leaning on one hand completely dumfounded. And then she tried sign language, none of which of course I knew. But it fascinated me, and I caught onto simple signs quickly; for example, pointing to one's neck and trailing a line down it means "thirsty", extending all of the finger's on one's hand and then pulling it up so that the thumb is touching one's chin means "mom", to move that up means "dad", and so on.
Talk more about Catherine and how she changed you. You talked too much in the intro ( a bit irrelevant!)
Soon enough, almost all of our conversations were in sign language, and I found myself being driven for the first time to work for something for a reason. When I began to volunteer at special needs camps, the connection I had sewn with the campers who could not speak for themselves meant more to me than any of my other friendships had. And the fact that I was so lucky to have come across Catherine, my idol, and the reason for my pursuit toward connecting with any child in need, painted my once bland canvas into a masterpiece of radiant colors and rich meaning. As the emotionally marred, backwater character in Gummo once said, "Life is beautiful. Really, it is. Full of beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you'd be dead." The beautiful gem that is Catherine taught me that each breath I take is taken for a reason; and I've found that my reason is to be the cornerstone for any person who does not have one to lean on.
You could talk about your experience learning sign language. I like how you used descriptive words like " painted my once bland canvas into a masterpiece of radiant colors and rich meaning" but you could drop in some examples on how your life became more colorful. For example, "This experience motivated me to volunteer in nearby orphanages. Helping children in need made me happy."
It is terrible (especially the ending), I'm aware. But I really don't know what to do at this point, or how to make a solid closing. Help!
