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My Life changed abruptly / CU Boulder Application essay

Larso1408 1 / 1  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
Please give me any insight. Thank you!

(500 words maximum) The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

Essay :

My life changed abruptly after enlisting in the United States Marine Corps. My very being had been placed into a brand new culture where diversity, and responsibility was a requirement. It changed my thoughts on lifestyles, work ethics and forced me to become a leader. Not only was I a leader, but I was a Corporal of Marines.

I've always had a passion for adventure and finding the unknown. The military certainly fed that hunger by sending me on two deployments. I had been exposed to 15 different countries in as little as 8 months, talk about culture shock! Within those 8 months, I performed in volunteer work with locals and military in many of those countries, and also humanitarian aid. I learned about the culture, the people, and above all else I learned how to be diversified. Leading persons within a different country arises a lot of challenges, and creativity. While I was in Cambodia in 2012 training with the Royal Marines, I had to lead my team as well as a team of Royal Cambodian Marines through a jungle navigation course. None of them spoke English and it was my job to get everyone through. We spent 6 nights navigating through this harsh jungle environment covering nearly 20 miles. The Cambodians taught us how to use the land for food, shelter and navigating, we taught them to read a map and use a compass, all with simple expressions. Everyone got to know each other in such a peculiar way that this was truly a life changing event. We as Marines teach, mentor, and lead each other, and through each other we prosper.

After having read The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan, I know that I can bring a whole heap of enrichment to UC Boulder, with my diverse understanding of leadership, creativity and equal opportunity. It makes me want to being a part of something that is so similar to what I have been a part of for the last 4 years. I can carry on what I have learned from the military and transition back to a civilian in a familiar way.

chessmeister89 1 / 4 1  
Feb 1, 2014   #2
You talk about being a leader in the Marine Corps, that's great, but I would concentrate on that a bit more oppose to telling a "life story." Not that it's a bad thing, but I would give examples of leadership right after the fact of bringing it up.

Just seems a bit unorganized. You talk about being a leader, then you talk about going on deployment, then you go back to talking about your leadership qualities. It's a great paper, and I wouldn't change much on it, but concentrate mainly on organization. Allow the transition of leadership and life experiences to flow smoothly. Talk about leadership in the Marines at first (grabs the attention of the reader), then talk about life experiences from deployments, then smoothly flow into how those two will benefit CU.
OP Larso1408 1 / 1  
Feb 1, 2014   #3
Thank you, Chessmeister89 for your input! I see exactly what you are talking.

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