Please help me evaluate this essay. I need to cut it down, any suggestions? Please critique it harshly, I promise you I won't get mad at all.
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).
The day I began volunteering at P.A.D.S, at a homeless shelter, I knew that I would be making a difference in someone's life. However, I didn't realize how much of a difference it would have on my life. The day I arrived at the site, there was a blistering cold in the air. All the homeless people stood outside, and like marching ants in the rain, they awaited their turn to seek shelter. One by one, I expedited the registration process and explained the rules so that they wouldn't have to suffer under Mother Nature's wrath. After, I decided to play with a shy, little boy named Carlos who was at the shelter with his mom. He told me how upset he was because his dad moved far away; his mom was always crying, and how he didn't have a beautiful house to live in. Immediately, my heart sank into my stomach and overbearing emotions took control of me. As I looked into his innocent and glistening green eyes, I saw myself years ago. I remembered of the time when I first sought shelter in America. I remembered the time when I shared a small, dark room with my mother and brother. Of the time when we would walk for countless hours in my neighborhood; we would rummage through garbage with the intent of looking for cans to sell them at a local recycling plant and looking for any toys to play with. Retuning to reality, as I wiped a tear from my face, I gave Carlos a big hug. I told him that I went through the same situation and ushered him to be strong. I explained that in the end, everything will be okay. From that day on, I realized that I would devote my life to helping others. P.A.D.S. was the first stepping stone to this epiphany and it would not be the last.
Hi. I have to say, this is very well written. Your story is truly inspiring; it makes me ashamed of myself for feeling lousy with my life. I take my hat off to you. :)
That being said, this is over by about 200 words, so you need some trimming here. It's difficult to cut parts though, because it's so well done already! Here's some of my personal feedback:
Sorry I couldn't condense it much. Here's a suggestion though, maybe you could cut the whole description in the beginning of the homeless people and get straight to Carlos. Ah, maybe you could say something like "It was at P.A.D.S. where I met a boy named Carlos, who would later have a great impact on my life." I like the details, but try cut it down a bit, and I think you can get closer to the word limit.
Good luck :^)
Last ending seemed a little cliche, how does this work?
That night with Carlos caused me to want to reach out and help people in any way possible.
That night with Carlos caused me to want to further reach out into my community and help people in any way possible.
Good, but here's the thing: a big part of the short-extracurricular essay is about how you are different Answer how this makes you STAND OUT over any other applicant, and you're set
Thanks, but I think there's only so much you can do within the restriction of the word count. However, that last part is critical in explaining how that night, my perception of volunteering changed and how I wanted to continue doing this the rest of my life. Also, my experiences with poverty are clearly delineated throughout the piece, so in a sense, that differentiates me from the other applicants, right?
A few ways to distinguish yourself:
1. include numbers. 300+ hours of service will put you out on top
2. We know that you want to commit yourself to volunteering for the rest of your life, but what specifically can you do in college that involves volunteering? start your own club? awareness?
3. Have u kept in touch with carlos. Talk about how ur relationship with him still inspires you today
the word count is lame, but you'll be surprised with what a writer can do with 150 words.
