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'Life-changing moment' - University of Florida - Meaningful experience in life.

quietcoastline 1 / -  
Oct 24, 2009   #1
Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

"Welcome Parents and Students to the commencement ceremony of Ronald Reagan/Doral Senior High's 2010 graduating class." Upon hearing this I took a deep breath; Here it was, the beginning of the end. One by one familiar names were called, those of my classmates, many of whom I had shared the past 12 years of my life with; finally the most familiar name of all, my own, "Stefany Fares." I stood up and paraded my way to the rising steps of the stage, proudly sporting my white cap and gown. I thought about how all looked the same with the white gowns, our hats, and our tassels but what set us all apart were our journeys which led us to those very steps we all would eventually climb that night.

I stood at the root of those steps bracing myself for the life changing moment I was about to experience and as I began my ascent to the stage, in a mere five steps, I recounted the actions and decisions which placed me on that very stage that very night. I thought of the day I boarded a plane in Brazil destined to America, at the age of six, and how it meant I would be leaving every comfort zone I had created for myself. Considering the "adaptation years" ï as I like to call them- were not easy, I had done pretty well for myself. In first grade, I taught myself two additional languages: English and Spanish; In the third grade, I did so well on the second grade SAT that I was placed in the gifted program at my elementary school; In gifted classes I remained until ninth grade when I applied for the prestigious AICE program and was accepted. As a result, I was finishing my high school career Cum Laude at the top 15 percent of my class; not an easy task for someone who just 10 years earlier was not even familiar with basic English words. I reflected on my family's drive to assimilate to American culture, and our ability to do so while still retaining our own traditions. Everything I had achieved I had no one but myself to congratulate. My hard work and my perseverance had maneuvered all my strings in the right direction. I took a final step onto that stage.

The following days I walked the empty halls of high school. These halls had harbored and nurtured my knowledge, my blood, sweat and tears, and my hard work for the past four years but now it was time for them to cut the puppet strings and allow my knowledge to flourish elsewhere, at my next journey in life ï University of Florida. I looked forward to my first day as a college freshman at UF, a melting pot of students who each bring a little of themselves. I was taking my knowledge, my hard work, and my perseverance in hopes of bettering not only myself, but the UF community as well.
angie127 12 / 49  
Oct 24, 2009   #2
I think you should focus on your experience of immigrating to America rather than listing your accomplishments. It will make your essay stronger and more focused. Also, try not to cram what you want to say into long sentences. Simpler, shorter sentences are clearer and more focused than longer ones.

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