Hey. I'd love some feedback on my essay for the first prompt on the UC application. 508 words.
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Being the first generation to be born in the United States in my family, I knew that my life would differ from my Chinese parents. Both my mother and father came from Southeast China, and both could hardly speak English correctly. That did not stop them from creating the upper-middle-class family that my brother and I live in today. My life has always revolved around my parents' rulings: to study and to work hard in school, to achieve higher than any other in my community. Ironically, I earned below average grades, resulting in incessant discipline. Because of this, I did not make much of an effort to communicate nor to form friendships. During my elementary and middle school years, I was unable to be inspired by anyone in my community.
The year I became a freshman in high school, my life turned around. My friend Chris took me to a youth group he had been going to for most of his life. The pastor there, Danny, introduced me to Jesus Christ. I was nervous at first, but after roughly a month I became comfortable in the religious environment my friend had placed me under. A few months had passed afterwards, and I told Pastor Danny about my struggles in school. I asked him for help, and he gave me a smile and prayed for my education. I had placed my life onto God's hands.
By the end of sophomore year, my life had completely taken a positive turn. My grades, behavior, and emotional levels were drastically improved. I became more social and easy going. I never again went to my room at night feeling alone, wondering why my life felt so wasted. I had been reborn; God had restored my life and had told me what I needed to do.
In the midst of junior year, I went to Danny and asked him if there was any way to help God the way He had helped me. Danny told me that there was a trip coming up that our entire group would embark on, where we would help homeless people in San Francisco, specifically the Tenderloin. We arrived at the 'YWAM' headquarters about two weeks later, and we journeyed through the harsh blocks of the Tenderloin, seeing lines and lines of homeless people sitting on the streets. For the whole weekend our group went out to serve these homeless people, offering them prayers and food. This experience was one of the most fun experiences that I have had in my lifetime.
Helping the needy allowed me to realize that helping others is an important aspect of life. The way that Danny helped me with my struggles: by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me has changed my entire outlook on the world. I want to change the lives of others, in both big and small ways, and to give them hope. I want to show them that the people care about them, that I care about them.
Here is my second prompt for the UC application. Would it be more helpful to create a new topic or to leave it in here? 494 words.
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Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplshment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
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During the second semester of my final year in middle school, each student chose three optional classes to take in freshman year of high school, and I remember filling in all my class choices except for one: an art class. Noticing my need for art credits, my friends suggested Acting for me. My initial reaction was shock, questioning them, "Why would I take that class?" In the past, I was very shy; I was difficult to approach and difficult to hold a conversation with. I had little friends, but the ones I did have were gracious and caring towards me. They were worried about my shyness and wanted to help. After weeks of convincing, I was finally pressured into taking Acting.
The first semester of Acting was dreadful. We were assigned our first monologue to perform in front of class within a few weeks, and I became terrified. It seemed as though everyone was having fun, memorizing his or her monologues, except for me. Each day closer to the performance day meant another day in the bathroom vomiting from fear. By the time my monologue was up I had been so scared that I was shaking and speaking almost silently; I earned an abysmal grade on that performance. However, through this experience I realized that to improve, one must fall.
My failure in the monologue assignment allowed me to persevere. Our second monologue was assigned the second semester, and I was determined to do well. Every class, I would spend extra time memorizing my lines, scanning every word, looking for emotional breaks. Finally, on the day of our monologue performances, I went up to the stage, spoke with a confident boom, and exited down the steps. My classmates were shocked, everyone applauded and I felt ecstasy rush down my body.
I went to thank my friends afterward who had convinced me to take Acting for two reasons. With perseverance, I can achieve much more than I had ever planned to, and achieving something that makes one proud is a magnificent feeling. The second reason in which I am grateful for taking Acting was because it allowed me to eliminate my shy personality. I have become more relaxed on myself, which has given me the opportunity to discover many things that I never would have recognized before. I am more social than before, I love conversing and developing healthy friendships with others. My friends looked at me with a proud smile and congratulated me for the feats that I had overcome.
My Acting class experience has enabled me to see many things about life. Perseverance is an important factor in potential success. There are challenges in life that are similar to the assignment I had in Acting class. Putting effort in something is more important than slacking and doing an average job. Socializing with others has given me the opportunity to see that forming a community with others leads to a self-satisfying and rewarding life.
Any comments/suggestions from anyone regarding my two prompts?
Here are some suggestions to help you:
Prompt one:
...neither of them could speak English correctly
...Helping the needy enabled me
The ways that Danny helped me with my struggles--by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me--have changed my entire outlook on the world.
This is a great story. How about if you write an opening sentence that tells the reader what truth this essay represents: You found success and satisfaction by helping others.
Prompt two:
congratulated me for the challenges that I had overcome.
Ahh, so the first essay was about coping with life's adversity by helping others and accepting God's help, and the second essay is about perseverance. For this second essay, I would like it if you add a sentence to the beginning: Perseverance enabled me to overcome my inhibitions and achieve successes that I once believed to be impossible.
