A life without companionship can be synonymous with a life without purpose - story or background

Hey guys,
Could you take a look at my essay for the common application? Here is the prompt:
"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."

A life without companionship can be synonymous with a life without purpose. For what good is a life when the experiences that one has had cannot be shared with others? Such an existence seems trite and pointless. However, such a lifestyle does exist, and my entire childhood is a prime example of this.

You see, during my adolescence, I was constantly moving from place to place. I did not stay put in any location for more than a year, and because of this, I could never maintain any sort of relationship with my peers. I was shy, and by the time that I would open up to others, I would be packing up my bags for another move. My dilemma could be attributed to my father's lack of job security. Because my family hails from Pakistan, the effects that the tragedy of 9-11 had on us were devastating. There was a lot of discrimination for Muslims all across America. My father in particular had a very tough time receiving job offers, and when he did, the job security that he had at these stints was close to nonexistent. My family went from wealthy to nearing bankruptcy in a matter of months. The result of this led to my family relocating 15 times in 13 years.

The effects of 9-11 were not limited to the adult world. I have vivid memories of the teachers who would passive-aggressively criticize my country of origin. Because of this, I felt so small; I thought that everyone hated me because of my nationality. I did everything that I could to distract people from my ties with my home country. Regardless of how I tried to change myself, people were cold to me. I was being punished for actions that I had never done. This, in addition to my unstable living conditions, led my social life into the ground.

As I look back at my experiences, I almost feel ashamed at myself. I have come to the realization that the single most important thing for a human being is his or her sense of identity. The more that I think about my encounters, I see that the people who were unfriendly to me were not hateful, but simply ignorant. Their views of me were based off of stereotypes, and my lack of appreciation for my heritage did nothing to break these. If I had known this beforehand, I might have been more social as a child.

My constant moving was a blessing in disguise. Because of it, I was able to view a plethora of different people, all with different backgrounds. All of the people that I met in my travels had one thing in common: they were very proud of their heritage. Nobody was pretending to be someone that they weren't. This helped me better appreciate myself as a person. I no longer had the inferiority complex that I had when I was growing up.

After learning these lessons, I am glad that I went through struggles in my life. The hardships that I had to endure have made me a better person. I can now embrace my roots, and being comfortable with myself has made me able to overcome my prior social struggles. After all, what is more important than self-confidence?

Thanks in advance!

Sarib, I have placed my comments and recommendations below for your consideration :-)


- Sarib, while your opening statement was nice, it would be better for you to open your essay with the above paragraph instead. The reason I say this is because it immediately offers the admissions officer an idea of who you are, what conflicts and obstacles you had to overcome, and how it influenced the person you became. This is the interesting hook that all common app essays require.


- This can be your second paragraph because it shows us exactly how you were affected by the events unfolding in your world. It also shows us how your world was constantly changing in order to adapt to the situation you found yourself in.


- Your third paragraph. Speaks of how you were affected by the events and how you dealt with it.


- Your closing paragraph. When combined, this becomes the strong conclusion that shows us the kind of person you have become because of the world you live in and its effects upon you.

If you choose to apply the revisions to the paragraph placement in the essay, we will be able to help you further polish the content and eventually, we can start cleaning up the grammar and sentence structure problems. I hope you will consider my suggestions for your essay :-)