I am posting my essay to submit for transfer to the University of Texas, Austin and I would greatly appreciate any critiques on my essay. Writing is not my strong suit so anything can be changed.
My life is defined by three sections of time. The first being a relatively normal and happy childhood, the second period flooded my world with a wave of destruction when I was ten years-old, and the third is my life as of high school. These times for better or worse changed nearly every factor of whom I am. However, one thing that has remained unchanged throughout all three distinct moments in life is my dream to one day attend the University of Texas.
Reminiscing on my early childhood is an easy feat. I grew up with two loving parents and two surrogate grandparents who lived next door. They were directly responsible for creating my passion with the University of Texas. Which started as organically as a Saturday night game and shouting hook 'em horns. Through time, it emerged as a fact I would attend the University of Texas. Even though my dream was to be an actress and comedian like the great Lucille Ball. Like all things, this dream would come to pass as would this chapter in my life.
November 9, 2002 the day my grandfather had a stroke, was diagnosed with brain cancer giving him two months to live, or as I call it my tenth birthday while a horrible day, it was a mere catalyst to the darkest period in my life. Because within the year, my grandfather would of course pass away, my father would have an affair and leave to parts unknown without contact for almost three years, causing my mother to have a nervous breakdown. It was a long five years that eventually left me living alone for nearly a year while my mother was still struggling. These traumatic events took much away from me. However, over time, I have found what I acquired through these experiences to be invaluable because I gained responsibility, determination, forgiveness, and most importantly perseverance all of which played heavily into my goal of making a better future for myself.
Quite like my tenth birthday, the day my grandmother was laid to rest marked a new beginning for me. It allowed me to leave the place I had called home for fourteen years without feeling guilt for leaving the one perpetual figure in my life. So with my commitment to my grandmother free I reconciled with my father and moved to his home in Florida. Florida was never my real home, but a sanctuary where I could begin to heal. After two years creating a new life and focusing on academics and myself, I came to the realization that in order for my parents to afford my attendance at the University of Texas, I would have back home to Austin. Unfortunately, my efforts to the University of Texas were met with rejection. I was crossroads; I could attend another four-year college and abandoned my ultimate ambition or attend a community college with the hope to transfer. I chose the latter challenging my determination and perseverance for the first time in years.
Now I hope to usher in a new era, starting with my acceptance to the University of Texas. It is there where I want to work towards finishing my degree. Although I am still undecided on my major, I am confident with the abundant number of courses offered I will be able to direction that is well suited to my interests. Not only will the University of Texas provide the environment that I have always longed for with friends, a higher standard of education, innovation, and even a water skiing club to pick up on a childhood hobby of mine. It is my belief that all of these components available at the University I will take what I have learned through school and many life experiences to making my parents, grandparents, the University, and ultimately, myself proud.
These times, for better or worse, changed nearly every factor of whom I am.
The first being a relatively normal and happy childhood, the second period flooded my world with a wave of destruction when I was ten years-old, and the third is my life as of high school.
Awkward sentence, Condense and fix it..if you still cannot fix it i will be more than happy to help...I suggest you take out the "flooded my word with a wave of destruction"They were directly responsible for creating my passion withfor the University of Texas.
Which started as organically as a Saturday night game and shouting hook 'em horns
Make this a complete sentence with subject or connect it to the previous sentence by using a comma, and again try to eliminate flowery words.
I have to go. I will be back later...try to revise according to my comments, and I am glad you are trying to improve your writing!
