Three MIT application essays, review mine and I'll take a look at yours!
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)
Apart from playing video games, table tennis, pool etc. playing football(soccer) with friends is one major activity I participate in during my leisure hours for the pleasure of it. The atmosphere when playing football is never dull due to the jokes coming from friends when a goal is missed, the thrill and excitement when a goal is scored against an opposing team coming from people watching the game as we play.
Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)
The Astronomy program at the department of Earth, Atmospheric, and Planetary science (EAPS) appeals to me the most at MIT. I have always wanted to study astronomy and become an astronomer someday because I like it ever since I learnt about Astronomy in high school. I have always desired to know more and discover more about outer space. Astronomy i.e. the scientific study of stars, planets, and other celestial body in outer space is a field of study that can never be exhausted due to our ever expanding universe, it offers knowledge needed to better humanity.
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
In my life, I have experienced many events that didn't go according to plan. The recent one happened sometime last week. I used to gamble a lot. I had little money on me roughly N50000($135) and I needed money, I asked my parents they both told me they had no money at that time. I asked a friend of mine for soccer predictions so I can stake money and win, he told me he knows a guy that sells fixed matches (i.e. known outcomes of the prediction) call him Q. I didn't think twice, I quickly told him to give me Q details so I could the payment which was N20000($54) he gave me the details I contacted Q and made the payments. 20 minutes later Q sent me the games and told me to stake N5000($13.5) to win N650000($1760), I was happy that I have more money. I woke up the next morning thinking I had won the bet, I opened my browser and checked the bet slip to my surprise the outcome of the matches were not correct, I lost the bet I was devastated, so I contacted Q, he did not pick my calls and he blocked my number. I was scammed, scarred, and lost N25000($67.5). At that moment I knew that the best thing I could do was to forget about the situation, to do so I went out with friends and played the fun game of football(soccer).
Apart from playing video games...
For this essay, maybe answer the directly the question directly. I personally think that the clause about playing video games, pool and table tennis is unnecessary. This just takes up word count. 100 words is short, but maybe expand on how soccer has shaped you. For example, what has soccer taught you that makes it qualified to be a MIT freshman?
Second essay:
... because I like it ever since I learnt about astronomy in high school. I have always desired to know more and discover more about outer space.I think this a better explanation to why you want to be an astronomer, compared to learning it in high school. Astronomy i.e. the scientific study [...] body in outer space This is unneeded, and takes up necessary word count. I recommend expanding on the knowledge that space has contributed to the betterment of humanity. What contributes does space have for the United States? People? is a field of study that can never be exhausted due to our ever expanding universe, it offers knowledge needed to better humanity.
... The recent one happened sometime last week. For example, I used to gamble a lot.
... I asked my parents, but they both told ...
... money and win, andhe told me he knows ...
. He calls him Q.
... told him to give me Q's details so I could makethe payment which was N20000($54). hHe gave me the details.
20 minutes later, Q sent me (...) happy that I have Did you mean I'll have or I will have? Other approaches could be, I was happy I was going to receive more money.
... won the bet, but I opened my (...) to my surprise, the outcome of ...
... fun game of football(soccer). [Just write soccer, people in MIT would relate more to it.]
Sorry, if I was too critical. You are not required to take my advice if you want, but they are just my opinions on how to improve this essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Idonibo, the first response that you wrote is very good. It accurately depicts something that you do for relaxation, which you can most likely pursue as a student at MIT. You could probably join their soccer team if you want to. That's an extra curricular activity you can do just for the fun of it as a member of the student community.
The second essay can be presented in a more concise manner. Let me show you a better presentation for it:
I learned about Astronomy in high school and have had an interest in that field of science since then. I have always desired...it offers knowledge needed to better humanity. As a budding astronomer, the Astronomy program at the... at MIT.
When the instruction says "or less" in terms of the word count, always go for the less presentation. Keep the response tight and direct to the point. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read a very long introduction. The response upfront is always appreciated.
I would change my response to the third short statement. The last thing that you want the university to know is that you have a gambling habit or situation. The universities frown on any form of gambling on campus. So discussing that upfront, since it happened only weeks ago, will have a direct impact upon your application. No matter how good your credentials are, the fact that you are a gambler is what will stick to the attention of the reviewer and will be made the main topic for discussion by the admissions committee should you make the final round of considerations for student acceptance. Pick something else. Don't accidentally brandish your gambling side this time around. Hide it.
These three easy essay prompts continue to fool applicants. They are written in such a way that most people just write the first thing that comes to mind. Applicants must remember that this is MIT, one of the most prestigious universities in the world and as such, nothing is as easy as it seems. Your response alone on question two would be the basis for rejection. The astronomy program at MIT is one of their flagship programs. Why would they admit someone who only has a desire to learn more about the program? You are competing with junior astronauts, students who are physics and mathematics geniuses and you really think a desire to learn more is sufficient? Millions, if not billions of people are intrigued by space. What really drives your passion? What have you done to demonstrate your passions? These are the types of questions that need to be answered in these short questions no matter how easy they seem. - Admissions Track
@Holt
thanks a lot for your review. i did the second essay with what you suggested, here it is
Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)
As a budding astronomer, the Astronomy program at the department of Earth, Atmospheric and Planetary science (EAPS) appeals to me the most at MIT. I have always wanted to study astronomy and become an astronomer someday. I learned about Astronomy in high school and have had an interest in that field of science since then. I have always desired to know more and discover more about outer space. Astronomy is a field of study that can never be exhausted due to our ever expanding universe, it offers knowledge needed to better humanity.
sorry for the late reply. still on the third essay.
