The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Attending the University of Milwaukee has always been a huge dream of mine since i was a kid. My life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and interests will enrich the community of The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.
My life experiences have made me who I am today. Throughout my years in high school, I have went through many different obstacles which made me a stronger person today.
Balancing school work, family, and extra curricular activities was tough but I always managed to make my way through it. My sophomore year I was inspired by my school social worker.
She really helped me with the obstacles I was facing at the time and helped me to get through the problems I faced. Ever since then I have wanted to help kids in my future by going
to school to become a social worker. Because I am a strong and wise person due to my life experiences, I can enrich your campus by being focused and wise with my studies.
Dance is my talent that has got me through everything in my life. I have been dancing since I was four years old. This talent I want to take to college.
I want to tryout for the UWM Dance team. This leads me to my commitments and interests. I have been committed to the Green Bay West High School Dance Team for four years.
I work very hard to better myself and my team. My Junior year on the dance team, I received the position of Co-captain.
That year, I learned from my captains how to become one of them the following year. This year, I am a captain and I am very proud of my role on the team. This position requires
responsibility, patience, and leadership. I work very hard as a captain to make sure my team is the best they can be while striving to better myself. As a captain, the other team mates
look up to me as a dancer, person, and a role model. This is a huge responsibility. How my team performs, reflects me and I am very proud of my team which makes me proud of myself.
Being on the dance team, and being a captain, taught me patience, responsibility, and leadership. These skills I can use in everyday life, in my future, and on the UWM Campus.
If I were to be accepted, I will tryout for the Dance team. I can use the skills I learned from my high school dance team to better myself as a dancer on the UWM dance team.
I am an extremely dedicated person and I will never give up. I believe that my life experiences caused me to become a better, wise, and responsible person who is able to focus on goals
for my future. My talents and commitments have also made me very responsible, and a great leader. Therefore, i know that I will enrich The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee campus's
community.
First of all I think you need to focus on your grammar and spelling since that is the first thing that pops up to anyone reading your essay. for example be time consistent in the third line "I have went". It is good that you mention your virtues but you are very repetive, like telling us that you are "patience, responsible and leadership" twice. Also you should get yourself some synonyms since you sometimes even have 3 repeated words in a sentence. Finally I think that you should work on your sentence structure since it sounds like a list "I... and I... and I..." Try to make your essay unique by telling something that has happened to yourself, a deep experience that showed your leadership, reponsibility and strength and try to avoid cheessyness, remember that many people are applying and the readers we'll probably see many works that do not differentiate among themselves. Try not to be vague. also make a conclusion that leaves the reader thinking. Personally I believe that you should also change your hook with something like a mini-anecdote or some impacting statement because it is very typical. I hope my feedback works for you.
My life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and interests will enrich the community of The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Don't just list things like this. Make a statement. It is better to make one meaningful statement about YOUR UNIQUE OUTLOOK than it is to list a hundred words like this.
Tell the reader about 2 of your most important goals in that intro paragraph.
End that intro paragraph with a sentence that tells the main point of the whole essay.
My life experiences have made me who I am today.--- too obvious. This is the kind of thing you THINK of when you brainstorm, but it is too obvious to include in the essay. Waste no words. Each paragraph should express one idea. So... what are the 3 or 4 ideas you want to express to support the MAIN IDEA?
:-)
