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"The life of my friend's father" - Standford Transfer Essay Draft


Ulugbek1991 2 / 6  
Jan 8, 2011   #1
Hi all. I am an international transfer student for Standford and wrote this draft for 1st essay prompt. Any advice, suggestions or criticism is welcomed. Thank you in advance for your help. May God bless you all! :)

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

He had no legs, no arms... he used to fall down and it hurt him too much. He tried alone 100 times to get stand up and achieved what he wanted. He knew that the life must not end at the time of difficulties. He knew that every difficulty was making him stronger. He was my friend's father who lost his 2 legs and arms after military service in Afghanistan. When he came back home in 2000 after leaving home 3 years before, no one ever thought that he would live for 10 years more happier than he had ever had. Before being an invalid he was a fan of many things. Chess was his life's meaning. After losing hands he learned how to play chess with mouth. 3 years later he became a winner of Valley Chess competition in Fergana. He was keen on music. He used his lost legs to create new music to his songs. Concerts in my hometown were not organized without his participation. People loved him; school children admired him as their teacher. He used to go to schools and meetings to give inspiration, motivation and love to life. I loved him too...

Every time when I went to my friend's home, his father used to either play chess or write a music or song in his room. Just before leaving friend's house I used to have a 10-15 minute talk with him. I used to ask questions about his life,, failure, achievements, and experiences. He always answered: "determination, persistence and optimism are my friends. I take out experience from everything what I do... and my dedications lead me to fulfill my dreams..." His words always impressed me, gave encouragement and passion to achieve intentions in my life. His influential lifestyle helped me to build a vibrant personality and academic environment. I achieved new experiences from every challenge that I faced. I studies so hard, expecting my future happy professional life. I took every opportunity that is best for me. And when one success door closed, I looked for another open. The life of my friend's father helped me to develop my intellectuality to life. I would say that he made a lot of people happy, or at least mine before leaving this world happily.
em2always 15 / 79  
Jan 8, 2011   #2
used to fall down and it hurt him too much---this implies that he does not fall down anymore. is this true? maybe switch too much to greatly

e knew that the life must not end at the time of difficulties----delete "the" before life

being an invalid he was a fan of many things...need comma after invalid

Before being an invalid he was a fan of many things. Chess was his life's meaning. ----maybe swtich what you have to this----Being an invalid did not stop the pursuit of his passions; chess was his life's meaning.

3 years later---write three--not 3--too informal

"determination, persistence and optimism are my friends. I take out experience from everything what I do... and my dedications lead me to fulfill my dreams..."---only do one period after dreams

about his life,, failure, achievements----change to about his life, failures, achievements

His words always impressed me, gave encouragement and passion to achieve intentions in my life.----change to----His words always inspired me and provided the encouragement and passion to achieve (intentions---wrong word) in my life.

The life of my friend's father helped me to develop my intellectuality to life---change to---The life of my friend's father helped develop my intellectual determination in life.

there are still more things that need to be fixed. you're english is about 70/100 in accuracy. if you post an edited version i would be happy to re-edit and make more changes. post a note on one of my pieces if i forget my promise
OP Ulugbek1991 2 / 6  
Jan 9, 2011   #3
Thank you McDonald. I am, now, on the process of reediting. In a few days I will post the newest version of my essay. :)

BTW, if you write an essay, and need to check, just let me know!!!

Good luck!!!
em2always 15 / 79  
Jan 9, 2011   #4
no problem Ulugbek :) & yes i have posted two short essays if you have time to look them over


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