I need help on my admission essay to UF. Help and critique will be greatly appreciated. Dont be afraid to be harsh! :)
Here's my topic:
How will your individual background, experiences and personal identity influence your educational pursuits and your contributions to the campus community at the University of Florida?
You may wish to reflect on the following:
Significant life challenges or personal circumstances
Exceptional talents and outstanding achievement
Personal and/or family responsibilities
Life can be full of many obstacle and surprises. It is not always the obstacle that we have been faced with that defines us, but rather how we overcome it and what we become from it as a result. This is what makes us distinctive and unique. The obstacles that I have faced and overcome helped shape me into who I am today.
Not too long ago, my dad had lost his job due to the collapsing economy. He has a Ph.D. in electrical engineering and jobs in his position are hard to find. He was unable to find a job near our home in Toronto, leaving him no choice but to leave the country and find opportunities in America. Living away from my dad was like trying to swim without a lifeguard. He had always guided me and given me advice. Family had always been our top priority; we put each other before anything else. This made living apart an uncomfortable task.
After almost a year, my dad had found a business opportunity in Florida, and as a desperate attempt to restore our lives to what it once was, we moved. It was our only chance at the time to live together as a family. The decision to move took me by surprise, even though it was obvious that we would have to move eventually. I had just finished my sophomore year of high school and continuing my education in a different country might be difficult. I knew there were going to be many challenges that I would have to face and ultimately overcome.
The transition was not very easy, but I soon made some new friends and adapted to the American culture. I began helping out my parents with the business as I became familiar with the new course work in school. I used to go straight to them after school only to find them exhausted after a hard day of work. I felt that it was my duty to help them because of all the sacrifices they had made for us. Seeing their struggle to overcome adversity opened my eyes to understand the difficulties of everyday life. I now look at the world through a whole different perspective. Life is not carefree; you have to work hard to play hard. Just like my dad always said, "Work today and play tomorrow."
My parents always stressed the importance of education and commitment. Growing up with this mindset shaped my work ethic and helped me maintain my grades as in this transition. I had always tried my best in school, but simply to please my parents. I now realize the significance of an education; which is why it is my priority to achieve nothing but academic excellence. This is what drives me in my quest for perfection.
Please help me out and thanks in advance!
Your answer is a very good response to the prompt. You use a good, detailed example contained in strong, organized paragraphs with good transitions that flow nicely. Your introduction is interesting, and your conclusion wraps things up nicely. Good work.
Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your help. Is there anyway I can improve it all and did you find any mistakes? Once again thanks for your time.
for copyright purposes: ESSAY WAS WRITTEN BY AN EXCELLENT STUDENT :)
You're welcome; grammatically and mechanically I did not find anything that I would change.
Ok, thanks a lot for your help! I appreciate your time and effort.