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"My life full of wonderful events" - UF Admissions Essay


ionutalbu25 3 / 10  
Jul 28, 2009   #1
My life has been full of wonderful events, great teachers, trustful friends, and loving family members. But most of all, my life has been full of experiences that I now call "good" memories. Some "good" memories that seem to frequently emerge in my thoughts are ones that have occurred during the past two years of high school.

For the past two years, I woke up every Saturday and set out towards the Venice Regional Medical Center at precisely 9:00 am. I would arrive at the hospital, get out of my mom's van, and briskly stream into the front entrance of the hospital knowing I have another four hours of volunteering ahead of me. However, it is not quite as simple as that. Upon entering the hospital it was common for me to run into various senior volunteers whose faces lit up once they saw this "youth of America", as they called me, volunteer show up again. For the senior volunteers, my presence resembled a sign of hope and not just a helping hand.

After getting situated, I would come up with some small talk with my fellow greeter/ wheelchair escort volunteer named Carole. After a while the small talk turns into a more serious conversation about my education. My response always includes segmented details about how much school work I have had the past week and how my intense focus enabled me to conquer it. Realizing just how divulged I have been in my school work this past week Carole quickly changes the topic to how evocative my presence at the hospital is to her. This not only makes me more determined to help Carole out with her errands but it gives me an urge to want to volunteer more often. The gratitude received from my fellow volunteers at the hospital is evidently very great.

Up until 1:00 pm, the time I leave the hospital, I continually escort patients out of the hospital one by one. Although the work is quite hard and at times exhausting I get asked repeatedly if I enjoy volunteering. A simple "yes" always does it because every patient seems to admire that someone my age would give up so much of their time. This admiration does indeed give me a lift to realize just how important giving up a little bit of my spare time really is.

After a full four hours of volunteering it becomes clear that it is my time to go. It is also my time to make sure the volunteers that have the second shift have plenty of help. If help is plenty than I make my way out of the hospital thinking not of how much I helped that day but of how I can continue lending a hand and improving the world bit by bit.

Looking back at this experience it is true that even in college I would give up much of my time to serve the community. Likewise, I will prolong my intense focus on academics with the aim to succeed.

"To do more for the world than the world does for you - that is success." - Henry Ford
Dreid3 1 / 3  
Jul 28, 2009   #2
I think volunteering could be a strong event that you could write about, however, you don't say too much about how and why it will affect your college experience. You do tell us that you would volunteer if you were to get in but again, I stress, why. For example (just throwing an idea out there), you could say that giving say that seeing the smile on Carole's face showed you just how meaningful small donations of time could really be. And that one person's impact in a huge school like UF can seem inconsequential yet have significant impacts on individual people.

ionutalbu25
"For the senior volunteers, my presence resembled a sign of hope and not just a helping hand."
I like it but it could use some elaboration.

ionutalbu25
After getting situated, I would come up with some small talk with my fellow greeter/ wheelchair escort volunteer named Carole. After a while the small talk turns into a more serious conversation about my education. My response always includes segmented details about how much school work I have had the past week and how my intense focus enabled me to conquer it. Realizing just how divulged I have been in my school work this past week Carole quickly changes the topic to how evocative my presence at the hospital is to her.

You switch tenses and I think on the last sentence you mean provocative as opposed to evocative.

ionutalbu25
"To do more for the world than the world does for you - that is success." - Henry Ford
Take it out or integrate it. Tacking it on like that seems banal.
tal105 7 / 130  
Jul 28, 2009   #3
i like to always starrt out by saying im a young writer in training, but everyone always says ask peers your age right?

more. thats all i can really say. more.
and you dont need to keep emphasizing the whole four hours part, you dont want to seem like your trying to hard?

but besudes that, i feel you need to say more, i just felt like you told the story the whole time, you didnt say how it will effect your college experience. im guessing it should be like 2/3 story and then 1/3 about how itll affect your college life.

i didnt see the college life part much.

give more of that.
other than that it was okay :)
OP ionutalbu25 3 / 10  
Jul 28, 2009   #4
Thank you all very very much for your help. I will have a revised version up soon. tal105 I am going to definitely take a look at some of your stuff and leave some comments.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 29, 2009   #5
So many essays are improved by losing that first "I'm writing myself into a topic" paragraph.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 29, 2009   #6
I would arrive at the hospital, get out of my mom's van, and briskly stream into the front entrance of the hospital knowing I have another four hours of volunteering ahead of me.

One person can't "stream." Also, the sentence is in past tense, so it should be "had" not "have"
OP ionutalbu25 3 / 10  
Jul 29, 2009   #7
Thank you all for your help. I will post a revised version soon. Any other suggestions? Does my essay fit the topic?
tal105 7 / 130  
Jul 29, 2009   #8
it def. fits the topic.
maybe talk a little bit more (just a tad bit) on how itll contribute to college. thats always the hard partt grrr :(
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 29, 2009   #9
To cut down on the word count, ask yourself what you want the essay to say about you, then cut anything that doesn't help further that impression.

and briskly stream into the front entrance of the hospital knowing I have another four hours of volunteering ahead of me.

I'm not sure a single person can "stream." In fact, I see Simone mentioned this in an earlier post.


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