I've worked on this essay for two days and I'd really appreciate another set of eyes reading it.
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
In 1929, Henny Brehl was born in Emden, Germany, which at the time was Nazi Germany. Soon after she was born, her mother died, and since her father was an alcoholic, she was placed in an orphanage. Luckily, her grandparents adopted her soon after, but it was the start of a rough life. Her grandfather, a fisherman, was arrested and thrown in a concentration camp for helping Jewish families escape to Switzerland on his boat. Her grammar school was bombed in 1941; therefore her education came to an abrupt and final halt when she was only twelve years old. Since she could not return to school, she cooked, cleaned, and helped care for her aunt's three children. Unknowingly, caring for others would become her life's work.
She married an American soldier, Donald Skibo, and relocated to El Paso, Texas, in 1955. After a couple years of marriage, they had three daughters, Cynthia, Patricia, and Janet. When her husband retired from the military, he became a truck driver and was often away from home. She essentially became a single mother, supporting her three daughters in every way except financially. After her daughters were grown, married, and had children of their own, she became the caretaker of her grandchildren. Now, at the age of eighty-one, and as a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, she is still always there for all of them.
This strong-willed, tough, loving woman is my Oma. She is my mother's mother, and I am one of the grandchildren she took care of when my mother went back to work after I was born. She began watching over me when I was six months old, and for years after that she was always there, making me dinner, taking me to soccer practice, making sure I finished my homework, taking care of me when I was sick, and always taking the time to listen to me, no matter what I had to say. I have heard that personality is set at a young age, and I believe she had a lot to do with mine. She has influenced me because I have seen her struggle with her health in her typical stubborn German way. She has shown me that giving up is not an option. She does not take no for an answer if it is not what she wants to hear.
She became very sick in 1995 and had a pacemaker inserted because her heartbeat was irregular. To this day, she swears she does not need it. She has developed arthritis in her knees, feet, and hands with age, but she still insists on cutting her own grass in the front and backyard once a week, and she tends to her plants and flowers on her hands and knees for hours every weekend. She does not let her ailments restrict her. This makes me realize that if an eighty-one year old woman can get up and do chores and help others every single day, I can get up, get everything done, and succeed at my goals also. Her passion for life inspires me to have those same passions. I would pass up a day with my friends to stay home with my Oma and just enjoy her company. Her strong family value of always being there for her daughters and grandchildren influences me to always be there for my younger sister and brother, my family, and for my friends. I am always willing to help others no matter the situation, and I thank her for my passion to do so.
Because of her, my education is of greatest importance to me. She influenced me to strive to make high marks and to ask for help when I need it because "failing is not taking advantage of public school" and that it is humble to seek support. When I was thirteen, I remember the disappointment my Oma voiced when my older cousin dropped out of college to get married. She could not understand what could possibly be more important than a higher education. I share this frustration with her; since then, I promised myself nothing was going to interfere with me going to the college of my dreams and getting the higher education I need to succeed in the real world.
Involving myself in the community to make changes and help others was due to her influence. When we would go grocery shopping around the holidays, she would always grab a couple extra cans of green beans and cream of mushroom soup to drop in the donation box on our way out. When we were stopped at a red light, she would not hesitate to dig through her wallet for a couple of coins to give to the homeless man standing on the corner. Even though I was scared out of my wits as she rolled down the car window and reached out to him, I told myself when I was old enough I would do the same. Now, I enjoy doing community service and service projects with the National Honor Society and Student Council. During the summer, I also love volunteering at church summer camps for underprivileged children in the El Paso area. I plan to continue involving myself in the community because making a difference will positively affect others.
My Oma Henny means the world to me because she has really impacted how I make decisions and she has influenced my personality. She lived through and experienced a very dark time in history. She has seen atrocities that I hope to never experience in my life time. However, my Oma's life experience has engrained in me what wonderful educational opportunities I have, and that I should do everything in my power to take advantage of them. Because of her strong-will, I am positive and I bring that energy into all of my activities. When I graduate from college, I will be the first person on her side of the family to graduate with a four year degree; I am very proud of that, and I want her to be proud too. Thanks to her, I am the person I am today.
Your essay is very touching. I greatly enjoyed reading it. You have a very solid start, but I have a few suggestions.
Read it aloud. Edit awkward phrasing. Make things flow better. Exs:
"She is my mother's mother, and I am one of the grandchildren she took care of when my mother went back to work after I was born."
Why not "And I am one of the grandchildren she cared for after my mother returned to work." I don't know if after my birth is really necessary, if it is, add it back. But even so, the above sounds better, at least to me.
"I have heard that personality is set at a young age, and I believe she had a lot to do with mine."
This sounds awkward to me. Why not something like "One's personality is developed from a young age and I believe she greatly affected mine."
I'm not going to go through the whole essay, because it would take forever, but that gives you an idea. That brings me to my final point: your essay is extremely long. Is there no word length? Over 1000 words is quite a bit. Try to find things you can cut. You reiterate the same point several times. Maybe take out an example or two of each point? And/or take out some of the introductory information about your grandmother. I know it may be difficult, but concise writing is the best writing.
Best of luck to you, it was a captivating read!
