Hello again! I have FINALLY started writing my essay. I chose this question: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
This is what I have so far:
I am living life far from the ordinary, born to an Indian family living in Tanzania, which is one of the three countries that make up East Africa. Life in a third world country without having a strong financial background is not easy. Spending 17 years in Tanzania has inspired and motivated me to a great extent. I learned to perceive life as one that endlessly subject to change. Therefore I realized the importance of being open minded and accommodating because, in a blink of an eye, our life can transform to a very different state.
My greatest admiration during my years spent in Tanzania was the Mount Kilimanjaro, which is the largest mountain in the African continent. It is made up of three inactive volcanoes, brought together through the raw power of nature to form something far greater than just a mountain -- it formed my life's path. It is the mountain that I wished to climb one day while I am alive. Just looking at its pictures on the internet gave me a feeling of strength and power, as if I were capable of anything. It gave me dreams. I became that mountain; strong, independent and powerful.
Kilimanjaro transformed me and shaped my principles and beliefs, thus making me perceive that there is so much more to Africa than poverty, HIV/AIDS and tropical diseases. When students study history, healthcare, economics - most of the examples referring to Africa that they get are not the real truth because there is an overwhelming beauty that most fail to see like the amazing African spirit, Africa's natural resources, good soils, beautiful scenery, the climate and the human resources which are truly outstanding and unwavering however, at the same time, it is important for Africa to know that the world has moved on, for its people to know that technology and progress has changed the world outside. So, I, one day hope to be capable enough of helping Africa, especially its children because I am a child of Africa; I have seen what it needs and I want to be the voice of a better change. Africa deserves it. Our people deserve it.
I finally fulfilled the wish of climbing the mountain that was my dream, my strength and my inspiration with students who are a huge part of my life, making the intricate expedition very memorable and effortless. With my every step, I am climbing higher and higher, I am the strong mountaineer, ferocious with fortitude, but gentle in my compassion.
During the colder months, there is a change that takes place within the mountain. It is the transitional phase that gives all life living within her, the chance to rejuvenate, to become stronger and wiser than ever. University will be my period of conversion; I will learn everything I possibly can so that I can awaken the capable person who is within me to educate my people. University is a new mountain for me to climb, but I am on my way up again, and I am bringing my uniqueness wherever I head. I am solid, independent and powerful; and I learned it all from a mountain.
I am not too sure where to go from here...Writers block I guess! Any suggestions, comments and criticisms are very welcome!
Thanks very much!
Madeleine
Good evening :)
I really like what you have so far. What about delving further into how this childhood contributes to your perception of diversification? I think that would be a great next step.
Regarding the essay topic (I presume it's " University from an African point of view"), I think there's not much about that. You write more about the different faces and sides of Africa, its neglected and overlooked diversity and potential, but not much on how you view your future education. When I wrote essays for college applications I always tried to include a personal experience to show a vibrant stroke of my individuality. Maybe you should do that as well in your essay, for example you could try to develop a better story about your connection with Kilimanjaro mountain.
Upload your new draft here and I will review it.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Overall this is a very compelling essay that reads as if it comes from the heart. There are a couple of minor things you might want to change, though:
Commas are useful things, but you tend to throw them into sentences that don't really need them. For instance ". . . my parents took me from the comfort of suburban Australia, and dropped me right in the middle of the . . ." and "It is a transition period that gives all life living within her, the chance to regenerate and then come back stronger and wiser than ever."
"When they look at Mount Kilimanjaro, they see a struggle . . ." I'd replace the first "they" with "most others."
