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Life independence after a transfer to an University - transferring objectives


NoraN 1 / -  
Oct 6, 2010   #1
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The past nineteen years of my life, my dream has been to discover this life independently. Transferring to a University can give me the capability to live life on my own and learn from my own mistakes. Although I am In a Community College now, I have yet to experience life on my own rather than living with my parents. Transferring will give me the opportunity to explore life in a different way such as choosing my own paths. Starting my own life after transferring will provide more benefits of being independent. I can have a chance to meet new friends, roommates, and teachers.

Although I am only nineteen I know the main objective I would like to achieve is majoring in health promotions, disease preventions and eventually being a doctor. The reason I chose this major is because I experienced many hardships within myself. I went through pain, which increased my insecurity of achieving any kind of degree. However, since I was strong enough to fight my pain and never give up I realized my experience with my health could help motivate other people with small issues like my own.

Health promotions, disease preventions are to learn how changing behaviors can decrease a less chance of a disease. Since my life is mostly dedicated to helping people I realized if I study this field it would give me the opportunity to increase my knowledge of how I can help prevent these diseases. Since I am extremely dedicated to my studying I am confident that medical field is what I really want to do in life. Now that It is my time to transfer it is time to prove to my parents, and most importantly myself that I will be able to accomplish my goals and prepare to enter a whole new life of education.
shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Oct 6, 2010   #2
my dream has been to discover this lif e independently. -----> my dream is to discover life independently.

watch shifting of tenses of verbs

better transition from one thought to the other
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 10, 2010   #3
For the past nineteen years of my life, my dream has been to discover this life independently.

I would like it if it was this way, simpler:
My dream has been to discover this life independently. Transferring to a University can give me the capability to live life on my own and learn from my own mistakes. Although I am In ( no ned to capitalize this In) a Community College now, I have yet to experience ...

...which increased my insecurity of achieving any kind of degree. ---- this does not make sense. You can say "insecurity about" instead.

I suggest rewriting this after reviewing some articles and books about health promotion, disease prevention, and so forth... and you should look at various specializationsthat are available to you. If you are serious about doing this, you'll use the Internet to become very knowledgeable about all your options, all your possibilities, and the various kinds of medicine you can practice.

This essay is too much about wanting to live away from home and not enough about showing how much you have researched about medicine and health, and about the career options available to you. Do that research! :-)


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