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'life is inestimable' - meaningful event or experience UF essay


wildatheart15 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2009   #1
I have two essay ideas but not sure which one to use. Sugestions,comments and critiques are welcome :)

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

#1
I could feel warm tears streaming down my face. I was crying so hard, breathing started to become difficult. The feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion began to permeate through my mind. I was screaming on the inside. My life chaged when i heard the words " your father and I are getting a divorce" come out of my mom's mouth. I was dumbfounded. That day my world was turned upside down and suddenly crashing down around me. One of the hardest obstacles i have had to overcome in my life was my parents' divorce. Some divorces are a simple process; it happens and then it's over. My parents' divorce was not that facile and unfortunatley for me i was put directly in the middle of it. I thought their divorce would tear me apart, and it did, but it also molded me into a stronger individual.

#2
I could hear the waves crashing down around me. The tidal undertow pulled me further into the empty ocean. Each wave was sinuous stirring up the sand with its swiftness. My body went through so many twists and turns my sense of direction became utterly distorted. I opened my eyes and was instantaneously stung by the piercing sensation of the salt water.The brilliantly bright midday sun glared down into the ocean as a guiding light to the surface. All the while seconds were passing and I was starting to run out of breath. My body was shocked with panic and in the spur of the moment i spontaneously metamorphosed into a NFL player whose team was down three points in fourth quarter of the Super Bowl with one minute to spare; I was determined. As i swam to the surface of the water i became immortal, nothing was going to stop me from achieving my goal, that final touchdown. Alleviationwashed over me as i reached the surface gasping for air. As soon as i reached the shore my enervated body languished. Laying on the warm grainy sand while the scintillating sun shone down on me was the most appeasng feeling, I had finally scored that touchdown.

That day, my life changed. I learned that life is inestimable and every moment should be cherished.
linmark /  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
Hi k.shannon,
Of your 2 essays, the second one is stronger but needs some work. The first is rather generic i.e. "One of the hardest obstacles i have had to overcome in my life was my parents' divorce. MOST CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS HAVE HAD TO DO THE SAME. Some divorces are a simple process; it happens and then it's over. HOW DO YOU KNOW? My parents' divorce was not that facile and unfortunatley for me i was put directly in the middle of it. I thought their divorce would tear me apart, and it did, but it also molded me into a stronger individual. (DITTO WITH EARLIER COMMENT)

For the second essay, while I found the body-surfing-in-the-waves imagery quite pleasant and easy to read, the link/transition to your metamorphosis into an NFL player was jolting. Aside from the joy of victory, why was being an NFL player relevant? I don't get (nor believe) how that day changed your life i.e. the analogy is not convincing nor meaningful enough within the context that you provided.

hope this helps!!


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