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"From life in Korea to China" - My experience (quality, talent, experience)


Paullee 3 / 7  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Fourteen years of my life in Korea ended when my dad was given an official order to go work in Beijing, China. After my recent family trips to Turkey and Canada, I looked forward to what was ahead of me: Life in China. I became accustomed quite rapidly to its flowing, song-like language, different dialects, and the Chinese people. Above all, it gave me an opportunity to attend an international school, which, in turn, enriched my life with friends from all over the world and activities that kept my school years dynamic.

Sell 100 cookies: my first assignment in the Interact club, a volunteer service organization at my school. Both excited and worried, I thought it seemed too difficult, especially when I had had no experience in business, but I immediately threw myself into the project. I decided to move first and think later. Moving quickly gives me a chance to try out ways that other people may not have and thinking too much sometimes makes a problem even harder than it actually is, and stops me from trying.

I remember I always complained how my school had so many students in such a tiny space. That day, however, it had never been bigger. Hallways felt longer and wider as if they had been recently enlarged, and the school seemed so empty with no potential customers. Also, even when I located little students, I got overly enthusiastic and thrust differently shaped cookies before them. Then, poor year 1 kids would get scared of me, a year 11 giant who was almost forcing them to purchase cookies. As a result, I could not sell any.

I decided to organize the cookies into categories: flavors, shapes, and sizes. I thought if the cookies were more organized, then customers would have less trouble looking them over and would easily select the cookies they wanted to try. This idea was adopted from my experience when I was 7. I had had trouble locating supplies. Since I cleaned my room based on varied categories I came up with, I could find scissors and glue the second I needed them. Now that I gave a new look to my cookie station, all I needed was customers.

I started to recollect some ways I have read or seen to attract people. I got out my guitar. Over the course of four years with my guitar, every time when I had to perform, either as a band or by myself, I felt all ready to go and did not get very nervous. This time, the event was unplanned and I had to improvise, which made me uneasy. I played without considering whether or not I was playing the right chords. Again, I acted without putting enough thought into my actions. I did succeed in drawing public attention, but rather to me, not to the cookies.

I failed to sell all the cookies, and my image passed from a reticent Korean boy to a corridor rocker of 2008. While finishing the remaining ones with my family, I laughed at myself: a quiet Korean guy selling cookies, playing the guitar in the middle of the hallway. I must have seemed erratic to some people. However, unlike before, when I used to have a hard time struggling to make friends with my poor English skills, now I had no difficulty making friends, for my peers accosted me first and talked about my little concert. Even now, I compliment myself on my courage to perform such a show, and appreciate the gift the courage has brought: my enriched life with friends from all over the world.

Is my essay off topic?:( It has been suggested and I am really worried about it.
Thank you very much for your time and help.
aries64xx 1 / 5  
Nov 19, 2010   #2
"Both excited and worried, I thought it seemed too difficult, especially when I had had no experience in business, but I immediately threw myself into the project."

I feel like this is a run on sentence. I think it would be better if you put a period at the end of the word business, and replace 'but' with 'however'

Personally, I would type out numbers (...year one kids...) instead of using the numbers on your keyboard, such as '...year 1 kids...'

I think you stayed on topic when it comes to talking about an experience that is important to you. I think you still need to answer the question of how it relates to who you are.

I hope I helped!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 28, 2010   #3
I failed to sell all the cookies, and my image passed from a reticent Korean boy to a corridor rocker of 2008.

This is a great sentence...

You write very well, so I'll just give some ideas to improve the efficiency:
when I used to have had a hard time ...

This idea was adopted from my experience when I was 7. I had had trouble locating supplies; since I cleaned my room based on varied categories I came up with, I could ...

Above all, it gave me an opportunity to attend an international school, which, in turn, enriched my life with friends from all over the world and activities that kept my school years dynamic. -------------------This sentence ends the first paragraph, and at that moment when I finish reading the first paragraph I see this sentence and it makes me think the essay is about this vague idea: "I attended an international school that enriched my life."

I think you can ADD another sentence to the end of the first para, after this one, and make it a sentence that gives a thesis about the real topic of the essay, which pertains to these methodical innovations you used and the change you experiences. Bring that thesis statement into focus!

:-)


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