Hi. ^-^ It's my first time to post here. Don't know if I expressed myself clearly in this essay. Any comments would be great. Thanks.
PROMPT: Statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. >250words
What's life without a little challenge?
As I lay wide-eyed in bed, last year, staring at the ceiling of my dark bedroom, the words, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both...", from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken reverberated in my head. With the light from the street lamp outside, I could just make out the two pieces of paper on my bedside table. One is the admission letter from an U.S. college that just arrived in mail, and the other a notice about the coming National College Entrance Examination (NCEE). "It's time," I told myself, "to make a decision."
The last half of my high school years hadn't been easy. TOEFL, SAT, application on top of the usual Chinese high school ...
after edits:
This kind of feels like déjŕ vu. As I turned the volume of music down so it was just background and stroke my fingers across the keys, I was about to embark upon my second journey of applying for an U.S. college.
I have always wanted to study in the U.S., ever since I stood on the top of the Y mountain in 2003 and overlooked the campus of Brigham Young University. Out of the curiosity of a twelve-year-old Chinese girl, I explored this campus and became attracted by almost every aspect of studying in an U.S. university. True, back home in China, I had lived near several college campuses where my parents were working. But college life in U.S. was like nothing I had ever seen. From football games to swimming teams, from researching in the library to finishing reports on lawn, everything about college life in the U.S. was so new and exciting. It is this first glimpse of an U.S. university that implanted in me a dream, which has come to grow and blown throughout the years. I want to study in an U.S. university.
But when the thick admission envelope from Purdue University arrived in mail last March, I hesitated. I was only a click away from fulfilling my dream. Yet, somehow, I knew that this was not the right moment. There was something else that I had to experience --- a challenge, the likes of which I had never taken. For 31 years, NCEE, the National College Entrance Examination, has been decisive in determining the futures of Chinese high school seniors. Risky and scary it may be, banking my future on this one final test, this was the challenge I decide to rise up to.
Many would say that my decision was hilarious and that I had earned myself some rest after all the hard work I had put in. It is true that the last half of my high school years was not easy. TOEFL, SAT, undergraduate application, the usual Chinese high school workload... Going through high school in the traditional Chinese way while preparing to apply for U.S. colleges was like trying to force together the same poles of two magnets. Despite the odds, I managed. In 2008, I scored 103 on TOEFL and 1990 on the SAT Reasoning. What's more, I never dropped out of the top 5% of my class. Having successfully completed what had seemed impossible, I am more aware than ever that what I end up with is nothing comparing to my experiences along the way.
Taking the NCEE means even more efforts. For three months, I worked very hard, trying to cram everything into my brain. But this experience is amazing. Never before have I gone to such great lengths to struggle against time, to push the limit of my knowledge, and, after months of preparation, to compete with peers nationwide. My efforts finally paid off in mid-June, when the result of NCEE came out. I ranked 330 among millions of students who took the test. I realized, then, that through hard work and persistence I can conquer any difficulties.
Now, as a freshman at the University of Science and Technology of China, I know that it is time to make my dream come true. I have sidetracked to experience something I don't want to regret later on. But never once, in the past year, did I lose sight of my destination. I want to study in an U.S. college. Through transferring, I hope to live in a community made up of students from around the globe, to experience the best academic setting in the world, and most importantly, to stand on my toes and reach for the infinite sky that is called bioscience. In turn, I want to share my experience and knowledge with students from different cultures, contributing something unique to the university life that has long enthralled me. In transferring, I would fulfill my childhood dream and at the meantime move forward on the path to uncover the mysteries of nature.
I'm sure the admissions folks will have more information about your background than I do, but I would still work on clarifying your life experience a bit. In every paragraph I was asking myself "where are you now" At the end, it is unclear to me, where you went to High School, where your bedroom is, and where you have been since last March. Again, I know they will probably have this background information in a pile of paperwork, but I would suggest clarifying it in the paper so they don't have to reference anything else.
For Example: In China, the last half of my high school years hadn't been easy.
Some more suggestions on clarifying your experience:
"Lying in bed then, I had never been surer of what I want. It would be risky, but it would also be an extraordinary experience. And, after all, this was a challenge that I was dying to take."
So what did you decide? The NCEE? I know nothing about these tests, which may be why I am a bit confused. Again, though, clarity is good even if your audience can put the puzzle together. You do answer this question in the next paragraph, but in the meantime I'm left in an uncomfortable and confusing limbo. You should mention that you chose the NCEE in this paragraph or in the first sentence of the next paragraph.
"As I struggled through the semester, I become ever more determined to prove that I could also excel after high school. The courses were demanding, the knowledge was invigorating, and I was happy. This wasn't a challenge I had anticipated, but it is one I'd gladly rise to."
See how this sounds..."As I struggled through the semester, I became ever more determined to prove that I could excel beyond High School. The courses were demanding, the knowledge was invigorating and I was happy. The challenge exceeded my expectations, but I rose to it."
"Five months have passed and I have got 8 A's"
Five months since what? Starting school? The NCEE? Also.. find a better word than "got"
"I didn't know it then, but it was this first glimpse of an American institution that implanted in me the ambition to study in an American college."
You have a very strong command of the English language. Is it your second language? You really understand the power of three (Ex: I want to live in a community made up of students from around the globe, to experience the academic setting that is the best in the world, and, most importantly, to stand on my toes and reach for the infinite sky that is called science.)
letter from a U.S. college
or
letter from an United States college
With the TOEFL, SAT, and applications on top of the usual Chinese high school workload , my schedule had been so full that every minute was planned out beforehand.
Now, almost a year had has passed, and never for once did I regret the decision I made last March.
However, deep down inside, I know all along, that this not everything I want and my life is still far from perfect.
Nice! You write so well!! You will definitely be accepted everywhere you apply.
